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2008-05-20 @ 11:16 p.m.


Well, I was actually just about to go to bed, after having spent the night reading a very enjoyable book and generally just relaxing ... but then, I decided I'd check my email first, as I am wont to do. I had a message about a d-land note, which reminded me that I do in fact have a d-land diary, something that in all honesty had escaped my memory for not a short while.

It seems I have irritated Kim, and I apologize about that. We simply seem to have crossed communication lines, love. I actually have written you, once before my last posting here and once after. I saw the note you wrote in response, and I guess I figured you just didn't want to respond to an email for your own undoubtedly sound reasons ... that, or you just never got around to it. And here it turns out you somehow never got an email from me.

No, I do check my d-land mailbox (at least as often as I check/update my diary itself, which admittedly is not often) and unfortunately if you've written me, or written me back, I somehow have not gotten your message, either. As I say, it seems we've somehow got communication lines crossed. I'm sorry for the confusion, hon ... I promise I was not trying to diss you.

And, for anyone else reading this, I apologize for using this space as a substitute for email. Kim, I guess I will just have to try and write you again. Here is hoping it works, this time.

As far as what else is new with me? Well...

Tomorrow is Wednesday, and on Thursday I have an appointment to see a therapist, who will evaluate whether I need to be on psych meds, as I have reluctantly admitted to myself that I almost certainly do. I'm really pretty screwed up these days ... which probably doesn't come as a surprise to anyone who's actually read my ramblings here.

I don't go out so much anymore. Despite the fact that I'm known and fairly well liked by staff and regulars at several local watering holes, despite the fact that I meet new people to chat with and hang out with easily enough ... the simple truth is that I just really don't have much fun getting drunk, anymore. I think it was a sufficient escape from the real-life problems I have during the day for quite some time, but it simply doesn't work that way anymore. And really, that is undoutedly a good thing, as being a lush really isn't quite so glamorous as one might suppose.

I mean, after a while it just gets kind of boring and depressing. I kind of feel like, shouldn't I have something better to do with my time?

And indeed, I should. Hell, I *do*. Unfortunately, when I honestly try and look at all the problems in my life that need tackling, I tend to get rather paralyzed by the overwhelming ... *weight* of it all. For one, it seems like I've just let things go too far for too long, and now there's tons of crises that would have been only small problems had I dealt with them more immediately. But worse than the actual problems, I've realized, is my inability to look at them without feeling overwhelmed. From an objective point of view, I have to realize my problems are far from insurmountable ... indeed, I'm a pretty bright and resourceful guy, I am not a stranger to either hard work or sacrifice, so really I should be able to work things out. That is from a rational point of view, but I simply don't really *feel* that. Thus, the decision that I must do something about my mental/emotional state.

I'm not excited about the idea of going back on meds. It didn't go so great the last time, and ... well, honestly, it's just not a very wonderful feeling, having to admit to total strangers that you're kinda screwed in the head. Hell, it's not fun admitting it to yourself. But, admit it I must if I want to get things in order.

The screw up part though (well, one of them) is that I'm still doing pretty good at work. I take good care of four guys far more disturbed than myself, and not only they, but their families, my own coworkers, and various other related professionals acknowledget that I work well with them, and that they've benefitted from me being there. What's so screwed up about that is, I can't get why I can deal with every crisis large and small in their lives, yet I've let my own remain a mess. It just doesn't make sense, and is yet another thing that made me realize I must need some kind of help.

The absolute worst thing tho, worse than the financial stuff that will undoubtedly be the death of me? It's the mental stuff.

I'll be completely honest, here. Under normal circumstances, for most of my life, I've tended to have an empathy so strong that I honestly consider myself halfway psychic. No, I can't literally read thoughts, but normally I really can *feel* people ... what their general emotional state is, how they feel towards me, etc. Well ... right now, that's just plain gone, and it depresses the hell out of me.

Way too often these days, I find myself theorizing about sinister motives. And you know, I never wanted to be that kind of person. Y'know, the kind who wonders if people are not being honest? The kind who can honestly believe people are conspiring against them? I don't want to be that kind of person, but of late I find that the "out to get me" lines of thought seem about as realistic to me as anything else. I've always believed that you should trust people, until it's been plainly shown that they cannot be trusted. I've always basically believed that 99% of people are good at heart, even if they don't always know the best way to show it. I've never really been able to believe that your average person is really capable of malice, purely for the sake of malice.

And, I suppose I still don't really believe that. But these days, I entertain such thoughts way too often, and as I say, it disturbs me. I suppose it is not that I'll imagine that anyone might tend to be "evil just for the hell of it", or something like that. More along the lines, I'll imagine that someone is being mean-spirited, short-sighted, selfish, or petty. Vengeful or unforgiving. Deceitful. And ya, I know that some people really may be some of those things at one point or another -- hell, any of us can. But again -- mostly, I've preferred not to think along those lines, and it comes way too easy to me, these days.

And you wanna know what the root, the deep down root, of all my problems is? It's so common and unoriginal as to be laughable, really. At the heart of it, before any of the financial stuff and all that, I started getting depressed simply because I have not found my One True Love yet. Sad, isn't it?

I mean, I can date random people, I can have one-night hookups or year-long relationships ... kinda doesn't matter, because none of them have worked out in the end. And it's just bummed me the hell out. How can this be, I've asked myself? How can I after all these years not have found the place where I love someone, they love me, and that's enough for the both of us?

Is it really so hard? I mean, it seems like it happens all the time.

But, hell ... I don't know, frankly I still feel like I'm willing to be patient on that bit. I could have settled for someone I didn't really love, long ago. I could settle for someone I know doesn't really love me. Those options don't appeal to me, and I'd honestly rather spend the rest of my life trying for the real thing than shrug and say there is no real thing.

So the search for love started the downward spiral, it is at the center of it, but it's gone way beyond that at this point. In fact, I've basically taken myself off of the market, because I think I'm probably too screwed up to have a healthy relationship at this point. I suppose that's also part of why I'm not going out so much, anymore. Part of the fun used to be the idea that you never know when you might stumble across "the one". I don't want to stumble across her right now, because I'm probably just a little too loony to be good for her right now.

So, yeah ... that's What's New, for anyone who's cared to find out. Not really so new, I suppose. Same old. But, I am trying to get my stuff in order, so we'll see how it goes...

Hm. I somehow feel I should have something better to say at the end of such a long diatribe. I dunno. I guess all I can really offer is the advice that it's never really hopeless, no matter how much it might feel like it is. That's the thing that really keeps me going, I guess... I know how many people who've felt overwhelmed, who've felt at the end of their wits, that I have told with complete sincerity that I believe things can always get better. I've told them that because I believe it. So I don't suppose I can very well not believe it for myself, now can I?

Nope, still not wise. Ah well ... whaddya want from a depressed guy, anyway? Let me get back to you when I'm not quite so convinced that I'm just all screwy in the head. Hell, let me get back when I'm *not* screwy in the head.

Take care of yourselves, till then.

And Kim ... check yer email in the coming week, wouldja?

Thoughts?

latest:
Passing Strange, Indeed
- 2008-12-16@12:44 p.m.
Kim
- 2008-05-28@10:47 p.m.
What's New
- 2008-05-20@11:16 p.m.
Hey, Kim
- 2008-01-18@9:18 a.m.
Christmas Was Weird
- 2008-01-03@8:11 p.m.

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...passing strange .