If you wonder how it is I woke up at 3 am, it's because I'd been sleeping for approximately 24 hours at that point. Sadly, this wasn't the fun, dream-filled kind of oversleeping. This is the go to bed as usual (2-3am) and wake up as if no time has passed at 9pm the next day -- still buzzed.

Yeah, ouch. I think Friday night wasn't pretty, luckily I probably just don't remember the most embarassing parts. S'Funny, because I remember talking to tons of people, yet could not for the life of me tell you what we talked about. I think the odds that I was incredibly brilliant that night are really quite high, don't you?

(I'm reminded of Dave Atell's joke about blacking out: " ... or, as I call it, 'time travel'. You're drinking, you black out, you wake up in playing that knife game with a half-indian in Montana..." Heh.)

Anyhow, slam-bang of a weekend for me, yessir. And, of course, I've gotten nothing at all productive done, even in the few hours I've been awake. I tell ya, my particular genius is all about momentum.

But yes, I am babbling, so I'll get to the point before I fall asleep at the keyboard. I know that my homegirl Christy and at least a few other (female) diarists have at some point written an entry about the kind of guy they'd like to date/would date/are interested in or whatever.

For myself, the metaphor must be concrete -- if I should speak of a "dream girl", I'd literally have to describe a girl I could imagine ... I mean, ideally, the girl I imagine, right?

I mean, in our minds and our fantasies or whatever, we all drift sometimes into an ideal of the person with whom we'd be totally happy, right?

So, in that way that energy follows thought -- you know, literally something must be conceived before it can become reality, and in a more metaphorical and metaphysical sense, our thoughts ultimately define reality. So maybe it's necessary -- if we never actually sit down and really think about who we ideally want and why ... I dunno, maybe we'll never get to meet them? Or maybe not recognize them when we do?

Eh. In any event, I thought I'd describe the kind of gal I'd like to take home to Mom. The kind of woman who, literally, I love more each day that I'm with her. The person whose company would make me feel quite certain that I am the most privileged individual in the world ... and fill me with a desire to be a better person for it.

So, enumerated but not necessarily ordered, are the traits of The Girl I Dream Of:

1. Okay, turns out I will start with the most important. So I'm winging it. Anyway, first and foremost she must be kind. And I don't mean "nice" or "polite" -- I mean genuinely kind. Kind is not always necessarily what spares someone pain, or gives them what they want -- kind is what you honestly believe is ultimately most beneficial, or what gives what they need. A kind person is never indifferent to another's pain, and this includes not dismissing it because you'd rather pretend you didn't notice, and not dismissing it because you don't get it. You don't need to understand why someone is in pain to know that they are.

And most importantly, she has to start with being kind to herself. I have no interest in being a martyr or being in love with one. It is not that the kind person puts others before herself, but only that she does not put herself ahead of others. (Well, not too far anyway.)

If there's no other quality that I list that I consider crucial, this would probably be it.

2. She must be bright. And of course, there is no universal definition of intelligence. I suppose, overall, in my estimate I'd call it "aware"-- meaning you're actually noticing and actively working to understand the world around you, rather than simply acting.

Or perhaps the simplest way to explain what I want: Someone who is at least as bright as me. And she can be smarter or more talented in however many ways, so long as she's not obnoxious about it. The important part is that we can have conversations where we actually listen and talk to one another, where there is a flow of ideas rather than a competition. Because I don't care for people who insist I make no sense because they don't get it, nor do I care for those who simply abdicate to what I'm saying because I'm "smarter than them".

For me, anyone who says they know I'm smarter isn't really saying that... they're saying that I think I'm smarter. And once someone labels you that way, the chance for any meaningful dialogue is lost.

3. She must have some sense of spirituality. This one is kind of tough, because some religious people can be fairly closeminded to those who don't believe as they do, and that's not at all what I'm talking about. In the simplest sense, I mean that she should have some sort of faith higher than to believe humanity is just one huge accident or mistake, and that ultimately all our pains or joys, our loves or hates, all add up in a universal sense to nothing.

The point, for me, is this: That may or may not be true, but what a depressing way to experience the world, either way. I'm not saying pretend to believe in something so you can act "happy" -- I guess I'm just saying, if you honestly believe there's no point to anything, how can you even believe in love? And how should I love someone who really doesn't?

4. She must have a sense of humor. Anyone who has the first three and doesn't have this one would undoubtedly be rather boring to be around. I mean, whether it's silly or goofy, witty or clever, dry, dark, or obscure, I think some sort of sense of humor is essential. I want someone who honestly smiles, and not just with their mouth. I want someone who actually enjoys laughter, and understands that, in greater sense for humanity, it is no laughing matter.

Kind of like spirituality, I rather don't understand how anybody lives without a sense of humor. Sometimes, the world is pretty fucked up, and often it can be quite depressing. But if your only response to it all is to be fucked up and depressed yourself -- well, wouldn't that kinda make sure that all of the misery in the world is included in our relationship as well? No, even when things are generally crappy ... there should still be those who can make you smile or laugh, and those whom you tend to make smile or laugh. It doesn't fix anything, but it really is much better than just being gloomy. (And trust me on this one -- I know.)

5. She must really like sex. I mean, really, really, really like sex. And by this I mean, she should like it enough to want to engage in it quite often -- it really should be one of her favorite passtimes. Like, I've a friend who says even the absolute worse sex she's ever had -- was still good. Now, I wouldn't actually say that, but that is the sort of attitude I'm talking about.

Like, say we have a free weekend, and are lying in bed discussing what we might do with our time. Just staying in bed and having sex all weekend really should be one possible choice of how we might make good use of our free time. And I don't mean that, if I suggest it, she may consider it -- I mean that she should suggest it sometimes. Men are generally considered as having a higher sex drive than women, but I know I've dated at least a couple of girls where that didn't seem to be true... and frankly, I'd kinda prefer that she's in the mood when I'm not more than vice versa. Mostly because, if I'm not in the mood it's probably because it just hadn't occurred to me yet.

6. She must be at least a little bit crazy. This one shouldn't be hard, because I think most people are. I certainly am, and so are pretty much all my friends -- if I'm with someone who considers herself perfectly normal, and really only ever acts in approved normal ways -- she'd probably feel pretty isolated in my world.

7. She must have a reasonable grasp on both the concepts of honesty and discretion. And I'm afraid that I really can't explain this one. Because while being open and honest with one another is essential to a good relationship, I don't really believe we need to tell one another everything. For instance, unless you're 18 when I meet you (and maybe even then) there's probably some sexual stuff in your past that I could live without knowing. And no, that's not to say you can't tell me most stuff, because we're obviously not being honest if we both act like we've never been with anyone else ... just more like, if you once got trashed at a frat party and did every guy there -- hey, even if it was fun, I'd really rather not know. Share that one with your girlfriends.

But, by the same token, you can't be someone who uses discretion as an excuse for dishonesty. "Well, I've cheated, but it would only hurt him if I told him..." Um, no. So yeah, there can be a fine line to walk -- so we should all be able to reasonably judge: What should I tell, what do I have tell ... and what might be better kept to myself?

8. She must be both trustworthy and trusting. Obviously, this one goes hand in hand with the previous one. I'm not going to be some jealous guy trying to keep tabs on anyone all day every day, and likewise I've no desire to be blissfully trustful while my girlfriend just sexes whoever she wants whenever she wants.

And of course, on the other side, I don't want someone who will constantly doubt my faithfulness. If we really can't trust each other, we should not be together. Say I'm with a girl, and she starts to feel a little bit funny about how I interact with a female friend -- not exactly jealous, that is, but just as if something may be up. I want her to ask, if she feels that way. And, I want her to believe me if I tell her nothing's going on.

Because you see, it's not even just a matter of physical infidelity ... if I'd started to wonder if maybe I was in love with some other girl, and the one I was with asked, I'd tell her. And I'd want the same consideration in return. Because to me, if you say you're in love with someone, but you can't be honest about how you feel, I don't think you're really in love.

9. She must be attracted to and attractive to me. I'm honestly pretty flexible on this one -- admittedly, over time I've come to kind of prefer girls who aren't too much taller than me, but I'm not a hardliner about even that. Like, I do like long hair, but I also like a shaved head -- I suppose it's about what looks good on that particular person.

Probably the only guideline I could really give as far as physical appearance is that she should seem to care how she looks. And no, I'm not talking about expensive hairdoes or makeup or lots of girly clothes. I actually like girls who are comfortable in comfortable clothes. I just mean that she should look like she has some idea of how she looks, and more importantly should care if she looks healthy* ... like, it's not that I must look good, so much as I'd rather not look bad.

Actually, this one could probably be its own number: If you have absolutely no exercise habits when you're young, and generally don't consider how healthy or unhealthy you are, odds are when you're older you're gonna be in pretty bad shape. I actually like working out, so it's not very hard for me -- but I think I'd do it even if I didn't, because I'd still like to look pretty good and be pretty capable even at 60. And if you're not taking care of yourself at all at 20 or 30, 60 probably won't look good on you at all.

(*note: I smoke, and I drink, and I have plenty of other bad habits. So it's not like I'm saying anyone needs to be a health nut ... just healthy in a general sense.)

So, this one has gotten pretty long and rambling, but what it comes down to is that there has to be mutual attraction. I honestly think the majority of that has to do with personality tho, and that's where I harp on health as the only physical guideline -- like, say you meet a guy who is your dream in every way, except the teeth are rotting out of his head because he's never been to a dentist. Maybe it's just an eccentricity -- but sorry, for me it's also a dealbreaker.

10. Lastly, she shouldn't have beliefs, habits, or customs that are too at odds with my own. This obviously isn't to say that mine are right, but rather just that I'd rather not spend my life arguing or trying not to argue about stuff. I do care about animals, but if you're fanatically into PETA, we'll probably have a problem at some point. I can respect the choice to be vegetarian or vegan, but as I'm pretty fond of all kinds of food those guys would never touch, I kinda don't see a lifelong relationship with someone who's seriously committed to not eating meat or dairy and such.

Along these same lines -- I don't judge people for what they do to enjoy themselves, but I'm not going to date a girl who does what I consider hard drugs. And maybe it's easier for me to list the things I'm okay with, so long as they are not overdone: alcohol, pot, mushrooms. And maybe ecstasy and acid. Not so sure about those two, but pretty sure I'm not down with anything else. And overdoing any of the above listed would be a problem ... except perhaps pot, because in my experience potheads are harmless, except sometimes to themselves.

So yeah ... I guess that's about it. I could probably come up with other stuff, but really if I met someone with all these traits anything else would just be gravy. And of course, I realize the odds against meeting anyone who matches all of these -- but I dunno, I don't think it's unreasonable to hold out for at least half of them or so. Because if these are the things important to me, to dismiss them just because I seem to like someone a lot probably wouldn't be the wisest thing in the world...

Whaddya think? Happen to know anyone who might fit this bill?