I mean, I've been paying off on the damn thing for two years now, even had some damage repaired on it just a little over a month ago -- hell, I've damaged the car, at least asthetically. Twice. And only fixed one of those. My point here being, I definitely consider it my car at this point.

And they still do that sneaky kind of taking the car back, right? Where they just come to your address and tow it? Maybe have someone call you at home to try and distract you so you don't notice they're taking your car and come out with a gun or something? Or have I just watched one too many movies? (I've actually only seen this in one movie, but Repo Man is a fantastic flick.) Anyway none of that tomfoolery would be necessary for me -- I live in a big apartment complex, there's no way I could be bothered to look out the window every time I heard a vehicle in the parking lot, not even when the vehicle happens to sound like a tow truck. Plus, there's nothing to say I'd be parked in the part of the lot my windows face anway. Plus, I never answer my phone anyway, so the calling thing would be pointless. And plus yet again, if I'm at home I'm most likely absorbed in my computer game, so the outside world is unlikely to get my attention in any way shape or form.

For the record, I do plan on paying. Um, a month of my car payment. I just don't know if, assuming I mail it tomorrow, that would get there in time to satisfy the loaners. Or, for that matter, if one month is enough. But a month is all they're gonna get, since it's all I can afford.

The rest of the bills will just have to start sueing me, or whatever it is they'll do. Eh.

I have realized I can file my taxes, and the refund should help out a bit. Perhaps even stave off the wolves long enough for me to get my mind and soul back on track, and start raking in enough cash to make ends meet. Maybe, maybe.

The problem with any of this, of course, being that I'm not truly feeling any more centered or motivated than I have in recent months. I'm not feeling particularly upset, or even fearful at this point -- in fact, I'm really pretty confident that I can take care of business just as soon as I decide that I can care enough to bother.

And that is the issue, really. Why exactly should I bother? Like an actor given bad and muddled dialogue to struggle through -- I'm really just wondering, what's my motivation here? What exactly am I trying to do?

To prove something to someone? Nope, don't care. To make someone proud? Nah -- anyone not already proud of me can stuff it. To spite someone? Eh, I'm not that petty, most times. How about power, money, wealth, influence ... vengeance on those I imagine have wronged me? I'm uncomfortable with power, I think money corrupts, wealth is nice but that's about all, and influence (for me at least) comes with its own set of obligations, so I'm not really digging that right now.

Vengeance, then? All about the payback?

If I really couldn't come up with a better reason to continue taking up space and resources on the planet than that, I would truly be a waste of flesh. No, there has to be more to life than getting even.

I have it for you: Fulfilling the purpose for which you were born. Growing into the role that God, Destiny, the Fates, or whatever set the Big Picture in motion meant for you to play. An essential question in philosophy has always been Why Am I Here? And sure, it's maybe a little troublesome if I'm saying I can't be bothered to move into action until I have it. But then ... kinda seems there we are.

In the meantime, I've developed a core of fellow gamers in my RPG who are consistently playing every day. And while yes, this keeps me removed from Real Life much more effectively -- I'm also leveling at a steady pace in game. So you could almost say it evens out.

Um. Almost.