Actually, I didn't even make it to class last night. It's funny, because I didn't even think I was bothered at all the other night when my ex was saying she'd like to remain an ex -- and yet, somehow I found myself barely able to get out of bed yesterday, let alone go outside.

It was actually kind of scary, because I remembered -- basically, I've never been seriously suicidal, but the darkest periods that I can remember were when I was early- to mid-teens... there were entire days where if no one forced me to get up, I'd just kind of lie still and stare at the ceiling. And yesterday kind of felt like that.

The difficulty is (or at least, it was yesterday) that I would lie there unable to think or feel that anything in the world would be good enjoyable enough to make it worth the effort of going and doing it. Actually, it's not so much that nothing would be enjoyable enough, so much as that nothing would come close to touching the despair that I felt clouding my heart.

Hm. And yet, this morning I popped up ready to go and all. I mean, I'm not yelling "whee!!" as I bounce along or anything, but I'm okay. And this is weird for me, because while I've always been fairly depressive I've never cycled so fast... which makes me think yesterday was more a cognitive glitch than a chemical mishap in my brain. For which, I suppose, I should be thankful. Except, of course, that it still sucked either way.

Hm. I've an appointment with my psychiatrist today. My anti-depressant prescription is already high enough to make people scooch slightly away from me when I tell them about it. Yet on the one hand -- I still drink whenever I feel like it, and smoke pot, and as anyone in the know could tell you, both are definite no-no's. So I think I might point out, before we go giving me anything else, that perhaps I should learn to socialize without inebriation as an integral part.

But really, I'm not really so sure even that is the problem. Yesterday notwithstanding, I'm worlds and worlds ahead of where I was before I went to the doc... truthfully, is there not a point when it's not a matter of brain chemistry: Maybe you're depressed just because your life really sucks ass. Then what, psychological profession?

Because ya see, it wasn't really so much a matter of that particular ex that put me in such a funk. I mean, she's cool and all, but it's not as if I was about to ask her to marry me or anything. No, the darkness came upon me for awareness of a problem I've found insurmountable my entire life, and awareness of the fact that I remain unable to comprehend it, let alone overcome it.

Ya see, I've mentioned before how my Best Friend and his girl are kinda miserable together. And really, it's not a matter of there being anything wrong with either one of them. I just don't think he's really into her (romantically), which (as they are a couple)would tend to be a problem for the both of them.

And I point this out because the sad truth of the matter is, every girl I've ever really wanted could easily enough find reason to not find me so irrestible. And, cliche and predictablre as it is, those girls who have found me irresistible I just haven't been that into -- like Best Friend and his girl. I've tried that, and it always ends up in misery.

And right, you wouldn't think Love Woes should be such a big enough deal to get me all seclusive and broody, right? I mean, isn't that stuff kinda universal?

Well yes, it is. Apparently. Somehow that doesn't comfort me, tho. I've never in my life had any other task I felt so incredibly clueless and helpless about resolving. For most of my life, I really kind of thought it must be me. And then for a while, I figured it must not be me, but All Women instead. Yet truthfully, I have to admit that the both of those seem a broad and simple explanation for something that's really a bit more complicated.

Of course, I have often thought that if I were gay (or at least bi) that I might not find all this quite so confusing. It's funny, because I know that guys seem just as confusing to women as the opposite, often enough. In fact, I've known enough gay couples to know that being the same sex does not in and of itself simplify much. And yet...

Know what I really think? It's our desire that gets us into trouble. F'r instance, I've been approached and relentlessly flirted with by girls I had not noticed... and that's nice and all, but it's truly a fucked up state of affairs if we really most strongly want what we can't have.

And that can't be true either, can it? I mean, some couples are happy to be together, right? At least for a while?