"You can't get through it
you can't get over it
you can't get around it...

Just like in a dream,
you open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound...

You can't believe your eyes...
You can't believe your ears...
You can't believe your friends...
You can't believe you're here...

And you're not gonna get through it
so you are going down..."

I have enough money to pay rent tomorrow. After I've done so, I can pay one month of my car payment ... I'm two months late, so of course they're calling now. I can also pay a month of the computer I suppose, but I'm also two months late for that.

Two months late for the phone bill, all the credit card bills, the car insurance, and whatever else doesn't come to mind right down. Fucking Christmas.

I can't pay what I owe. And paying half of some of what I owe leaves me with no money for food, and no idea of how to pay the next month's bills...

Just get a job, that should help. Except that all I do each day is play a computer game, and avoid life. It's all I can do, because anything else I think of leaves me with despair and confusion. Feeling this way, can I even imagine trying to get a job and think that the strangeness won't come through?

It's past the point of being cute, seriously.

Anybody remember GBF? Best friend of 16 years, helluva guy, best man at his wedding last summer despite having told him our friendship was over the summer before because I was convinced he's gay and in love with me but unable/unwilling to acknowledge it?

Yeah, his wife is pregnant.

Um. Anybody remember me saying in my last fucking entry how having a family was all I really wanted, and how frustration over the seeming impossibility of accomplishing that is what stalls me still today?

Why, exactly, does God hate me?

I feel like whining and saying, "It's not fair."

Why must he do all of the things I so desperately want to do? I'm not jealous, believe it or not -- I don't really have the ability to begrudge anyone anything, because I'm too self-centered for that. I don't care about what you have, I care about what I have. Or don't have.

And knowing GBF as well as I do, I know that the sweet grad school position, the house, the wife, and now the kid on the way ... that's all fine with him, but none of it is what he's hoped and dreamed of.

Is that the way the world is supposed to work? None of us gets what we really want? Just go for what you know you can do, and leave your true dreams in the realm of nothing but fantasy?

Why the fuck do I just play a computer game all day, while my world falls apart around me?

Because the world around me is lies and bullshit. How should I care when caring so far has only lead to tragedy and misfortune?

Tonight I was telling stranger that I needed to change my values ... that I needed to become a lying, soulless, money-grubbing bastard, because that's the foundation of the culture I was born into.

Anybody feeling me here?