So this morning I'm lying there, more or less trying to motivate myself to get up and get on with my day, but you know -- in a pretty half-asleep kind of a way. And so I occupy myself with noticing for the zillionth time all the random things I've accumulated around my bed ... which actually isn't a whole lot. A few books, some tapes, alarm clock, stereo. None too interesting, but as I say I mostly just didn't want to get out of bed.

For whatever reason, I finally settle on the little pile of condoms judiciously placed next to a stack of tapes. These catch my attention, most likely, because it occurs to me that there's really no reason for them to be there. You see, on the one hand, unless you are a person who's absolutely positively certain you will not find yourself unexpectedly having sex, you really ought to keep such things relatively handy. (Actually, even if you are such a person, you should anyway. There's a first time for everything.) Yet, on the other hand ...

It occurred to me exactly how long it's been since I've had a woman anywhere even near my bed. We're talking a good half a year easy, folks. And with no sign of this trend ending anytime soon.

So unnerving was this thought to my half-asleep self that I actually checked out the expiration date on the package of one of them. (Okay, rather unnecessarily, it turns out, as they're apparently good for years. Still: First time I'd ever had any long enough to wonder if they were still any good. Is it just me, or is that kind of depressing?)

And sure, even as I thought that, it occurred to me that this ongoing trend has been created at least in part as a result of my own efforts and desires. In fact, I do recall having even told a woman not so long ago that, in so many words, I consider myself rather too screwed up to think it's a good idea to have sex with anyone. And, as it happens, I think my instincts were right on there, as this girl turns out to be something of a -- hm, is there a specific term for the female version of "player"? In any event, she's quite successful with the lads, and apparently none too interested in sticking with just one. Which kinda counters what I'd be looking for.

Oh, on the other hand? Therez this lesbian who used to work at the club with me. I had a thing for her from the first day of training there. She visisted the place earlier this week, the first time since she quit. She gave me a big hug when she saw me, which I didn't expect, and she gave me a flyer to the "queer women's night" at her new place of employ. I'm still kinda wondering about that one.

She might easily think I'm a gay boy, happens all the time, but then why invite me to queer women's night? Helping me "come out?" Or maybe she can tell I'm of that particularly screwed up kind of guy who tends to easily fall for the queer ladies.