So, as my last entry quite eloquently points out, one thing I've been feeling of late is quite pissed off at CG. But whatever anger is there I assure you I bored my own self to tears with that particular drama long ago, so I don't have much else to say about it. Especially because I've found that once I do delve into it people can find critical things to say about her, or at least the way we interacted, quite easily enough. So the question to me is why exactly I stayed with it so long, in fact worked quite a bit to not let others understand exactly how screwed up we were together.

There's a rule for ya: If you're trying to hide how fucked up your relationship is from those around you, get the hell out of dodge. I know, where the hell did I come up with such sage wisdom?

Anyhow, as I was throwing away a couple of books, some pictures, blankets, clothes, a stuffed animal at 4 a.m. this morning, I realized that the only possible reason I would still have any of this stuff in the first place was that somewhere in my mind there still was a possibility for me that we might get back together. And yeah, that really is sad. I mean granted, most of this stuff was shoved into the corner of the closet it had been ever since CG and I initially imploded, and none of it was anything I'd been looking on at dreamily in the time since. But nonetheless I knew it was still there, I had no use for it, and I couldn't imagine she'd want any of it back. So my only possible reason for keeping it was the sentimental value it had for "us". And once again, that's really just a self-torture thing. And though I've never physically hurt myself on purpose, emotional self-torture is something I've long had a knack for. In fact, I'd venture to say I'm better at feeling bad over relationships once they're done than I am at being in the relationship in the first place.

So fine, enough with the beating up on myself riff. Realizing I had lingering anger at CG was kinda like realizing I had a big zit, and having realized it we could say I've now popped it, so the worst of that is now done with. And yeah, I know I have a gift for analogy.

But the emotion I've been trying to get at that has been buried deepest, lurking around the edges of my hopes for the future and my concern for loved ones and even my random moments of amusement and lust and boredom and whatever else I've been feeling in past months ... something's been building to the point that I've become effectively paralyzed in my life as a result of not acknowledging it, and of course now that I am paralyzed there's no way to ignore it any longer.

As I have been able to completely lose myself in computer gaming in the past, it would do well for me to remember what was really going on with me as I immersed myself in my MMORPG this past semester. On the surface I rather considered it a stalling technique -- while trying (ineffectively I might add) to deal with school and finances and stuff relating to CG, I delved into the game because it's a truly magical way of making time disappear. The theory being, I guess, that what I can do nothing about right now will be something I can address immediately if a week or a month has somehow disappeared.

Rather ironically, I'd really rather like some of that time back now. The underlying emotion I haven't been able to acknowledge up until now is fear. Yes, I really am just a big scaredy-cat. Petrified, really.

What's more ironic is that I'm not afraid of bad things happening. Nope, what scares me is my behaving like a screw-up, which we can all have a hearty guffaw about because that's exactly what I've been doing anyway. How can you fear doing what you're already doing?

I really don't know, but there you have it. I honestly have pretty high expectations of myself. I don't like failing at things. And clearly, I will go so far with that dislike as to let it prevent me from trying to do things in the first place.