Likewise, if it impacts my life but I'll never know about it, really, good for you. So back in high school, the hot girl I liked actually returned my affections, but because we were friends and you had a crush you told me she didn't? Well, I guess you're kind of a dick, but whatever -- what I don't know won't hurt me, right?

But you see, this is where most people, in my experience, get into trouble. You know that saying, "Never bullshit a bullshitter?" I believe the reason this is sound advice is because it's damn near impossible to get away with it.

For those who do not know me well, allow me to offer a bit of info: I am a fantastic liar. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I could fool a lie detector test. Don't get me wrong, mostly I don't lie these days due to a mix of morality and not wanting to bother -- you know, really the truth is usually just a lot less of a hassle. But there was a time when I was such a habitual liar that I came off as much less sincere when I wasn't lying ... "creating" reality was such a habit that I felt awkward when I tried not to put a spin on things.

I believe that any of you who are particularly creative may know what I'm talking about. If you are able to create believable characters, dialogues, and plotlines -- you probably have a fantastic ability to lie your ass off, and the only thing stopping you from doing so is a lack of desire to be that sort of person. Probably the same goes for anyone who's a decent actor ... what is acting, after all, if not effective lying? You know that something isn't "really" true, but you act as if it is so well as to make it real for the audience.

My point in all this? Well, whereas I am not necessarily bothered about lying on moral grounds, it does irritate the piss out of me to have my intelligence insulted. And telling me a lie that I can see through insults my intelligence. What tremendous ego one must have, to assume that my own perception and interpretation of reality can be subverted by a poorly created substitute.

And I've tried to explain this to people, sometimes ahead of time and sometimes after, yet pretty much no one really seems to get the point.

I create stories for god's sake. GOOD stories. Why would you assume I can't recognize a shitty one when I hear it?

Yet don't get me wrong. I'm no mind reader, and cynical though I may have been in my youth, by and large I default to at least assuming that a person means whatever nonsense they may happen to spout at a given time. But this is where the caveat comes in: Just because you are not immediately busted does not mean you've necessarily gotten away with anything. Because in addition to being a talented liar in my own right, I also have a fanstastic memory for detail. In fact, that's undoubtedly part of what makes me a great liar -- you need to remember your own bullshit, if you hope to not be caught in it later.

And that's really where most that I've known fail this particular test. At some point, for instance, you may have decided to tell me Kerry Simon has no interest in me when in fact she told you she'd like to be all over me like cheap cologne on a club-hopping "player". And at that time, I may have accepted your words at face value.

Yet if her own nervous, anxious, and confused glances at me begin to pile up ... if your own desire to keep the two of us from having in depth conversations starts to seem strange ... if, perhaps, I get the definite impression from her own friends that they can't believe I've yet to make a move ... well, on the one hand we have the flimsy version of reality you have offered. On the other, we have all the circumstantial evidence that makes you look like a lying sack of shit.

So ask yourself -- should trusting equal stupid? No matter how earnestly you crafted your little lie, how well should it stand if the details of reality seem to not match it?

These are the things a good liar will take into account. One must realize, words alone will rarely be enough. Anything that smells a little fishy will tend to stick in a person's mind, and the more details that pop up to contradict the fib the more likely the other person will see through the ruse.

Now, what happens to irritate me most about those close to me who continue to try this shit -- when I've sniffed out the lie, and bring it up again -- don't assume that you've a leg to stand on just because I'm not outright telling you you're full of shit. Because, amongst my many other flaws, I do have a lamentable tendency towards being kind. I'll try and allow someone a bit of dignity.

But when a lie has been brought to light again, with polite but clear doubt about the particulars of it -- honestly, the reason I may still nod in a slightly confused manner, and say "hmm..." in a way that suggests you stop before you dig yourself any deeper, is that once I know you're lying, it will only piss me off more if you continue doing it.

And that really is the point that gets me. When I'm looking directly at someone and thinking, "You're lying through your fucking teeth"... when I've pretty much offered the evidence that makes it clear you're lying, without confrontationally telling you that you are, in fact, so full of shit it's coming out your ears ... at this point, if I'm not simply telling you to fuck off, the only reason for it is that I've no desire to encourage you to lie even more, and turn my slight irratation into a full-on hatred.

So I would urge any of you who thinks you're getting away with something to ponder whether you really are quite as clever as you think you are. If the person you're trying to snow is anything like me, the truth is that you're probably just making yourself look like a jackass, and their opinion of you drops that much lower with every insincere word that spills from your treacherous lying lips.

Or in short: Don't fool yourself. Unless you are really good, anyone who's half-intelligent and actually cares will most likely see through whatever you're trying to sell. Even if they don't see it immediately, they probably will later.