Well, I'm cast-free as of last Monday, and have gotten more or less full range of motion back as of Friday or so. Still kinda stiff and sore, and of course I've got a pretty nasty scar on my hand from where they opened me up and stitched me back up. Both the scar and the hole where the pin was are probably permanent. I will take them as permanent reminders that being a bit too understanding/patient inevitably has consequences. Violence may never be the answer, but sometimes it may well be your only choice.

In other news, the phone company I'm switching to, which I'll refrain from naming, screwed me pretty well. As I think I mentioned, I decided that I'd get a new phone number, effectively cutting off most people's ability to contact me (as my address has changed, too) as unfortunately doing this takes up to a month. Well, a month would have been last week or so, at which I called the phone company to see what was up, and they informed me that there was some problem with their company and this state's local company -- frickin' Minnesota -- so that my order would be indefinitely caught up in troubles, so I'm better off putting in a new order.

Right. So at exactly what point would you bastards have contacted me to inform me about this? Frickin losers. So the long and short is, it'll now be another few weeks before I have a phone. Thus it naturally follows, it'll be at least that long before I'm online at home again.

Presently I'm in my school's new library, and they have nice new computers, so I'm taking advantage. Unfortunately, this is about 25 minutes from home, so I'm pretty unlikely to stop by here too often.

Lessee, what else?

Diggin the new place. Pretty well settled in, though the setting up of everything one-handed still does show a bit. On the plus side I've more space that I've any use for as of yet, seeing as I've no couch or any of that large stuff, so once I can bother making the place a bit prettier shouldn't be a problem.

What is a problem is that -- no, for real this time -- I really have no idea how I'm paying rent at the end of the month. I can probably start work again this weekend or the beginning of the next, but it's still a part time job that doesn't pay much ... long term plan is to get a better (and full time) job, but in the short term...

Well, I'll get back to you on that. Could be this is the point where I honestly do get kicked out of some place and am forced to move into the tiny guest room back home. That would suck some serious ass, it goes without saying. But, as I've somehow managed to (if barely) keep my head above water lo these long years, I'm banking on my pulling a miracle out of my ass somehow. Or in the least, on getting really, really lucky.

So mostly for the moment I stay at home and read a lot, also playing this one new video game. (Bought it 'way back before things went horribly awry, just never got around to playing it.) Have thus far only seen Best Friend -- everybody else can bite me.

Okay, I'm lying ... I did see Married Girl once, but I won't be doing that again. Because as it happens, I've actually grown increasingly more fond of the celibacy thing, and as she's pointed out that would negate pretty much any reasons we've normally bothered to actually see one another face to face.

And yeah, being willfully committed to not getting laid really is doing me quite well. I realize how much more complicated sex -- either the pursuit or even just being open the possibility of -- tended to make my life.

I've realized that I'm fundamentally screwed up as far as my views of sexuality ... well, female sexuality in particular. I imagine I'll probably speak more in depth on this at some later date, but the heart of the matter lies in the way that society -- and, unfortunately, my own family -- tends to view sex for women.

It's that whole thing where women aren't supposed to enjoy sex -- or at least not as much as men. Or, they aren't supposed to want sex as much. What's more, consider that general idea that women can't separate emotions from sex as clearly as men ... you know, supposedly even if she means it to just be a fling, most ladies will tend to start feeling some emotions other than lust in a regular sex partner, or else she'll start to feel kinda guilty about it.

Or even, I've known so many women who can have a one night stand then end up feeling kinda conflicted about it the next day. I mean, it seems to me that the only time a woman is free and clear to simply enjoy sex, from a societal standpoint, is within marriage ... and of course, a part of that package is the expectation that you're not simply fornicating, but doing so in order to build a family.

It gets worse, even. Say you have a girl who's just a sexual dynamo -- from boyfriends to random impulsive sexual encouters, this woman enjoys herself with wild and unihibited gusto, and never feels a shred of regret unless the sex just wasn't that great.

Well, even if she doesn't judge herself, society will. As women obviously aren't supposed to be like that, there must be something wrong with her. Like she doesn't respect herself, she confused sex for love, or some other such conjecture. I've even heard it asserted that a girl who seems "oversexed" must have been abused as a child, otherwise she wouldn't end up that way.

Now no, I don't believe any of this intellectually. But in recent weeks I've realized that from a moral standpoint I've internalized a lot of this crap. Yet it isn't that I'm judging any woman who seems to really enjoy sex. You see, that's not how I was raised.

Essentially, I was raised with the insinuation that, as highly sexual behavior is obviously not in a woman's best interest, some man must be to blame for her unacceptable behavior.

For instance? My first (adult) girlfriend -- we're still friends, and as of the last time we discussed dating and such, she still had this problem where, regardless of the thinking beforehand or even her enjoyment during, she tends to feel used by a guy she sleeps with. Unless he actually wants to marry her, in which case she runs for the hills.

Healthy, right?

You see, when a guy and a girl hook up, lots of times the guy is just using the girl for sex. Or, he's taking advantage of her low self esteem. Or, he's deceiving her by making her think it may lead to a committed relationship. Or yadda yadda yadda.

Whatever, it's all confused puritanical crap if you ask me. Unfortunately, it seems pretty goddamned ingrained in my head somewhere. The result? Though I don't think it, I feel as if I'm doing a woman some sort of disservice, by being sexually interested in her.

I say again: Healthy, yes?

Bah. Well, I rambled on more with that than I'd meant to. No harm I suppose, as I've been silent here for way too long.

Anyway, though I lament realizing this particular fucked-upness on my part ... well, no. I lament having this particular fucked-upness, but I'm actually quite happy to realize that I have it. I could quite easily have lived out the rest of my life not understanding how fundamentally my sexual attitudes tend to be ... as I'm sure some people actually do.

So ... yeah, still clean and sober. I've a new therapist I've seen twice, who thinks I hate the entire world unjustly -- to which I can only response, any hate I have is most assuredly justified. I'll see her again next week.

Overall? Believe it or not, I think things are going pretty groovy. I haven't been reading, so I hope they are for all of you as well. I'll leave you with my well-wishes, and the paraphrased words of Kelly Lebrock:

Don't have me because I'm absolutely insane.