In short, a character trait that I'm not very proud of, but that exists nonetheless, is that I can often be very easily manipulated. And if you've read my entry about lying, you'll know that it really isn't so much about my being unaware of it ... rather, I just don't really tend to call people on their bs just because I can smell it.

And really, let me be a bit more honest here -- I suppose that deep down, I'm rather one of those people you might call a "pleaser" -- I want people to be happy, including myself ... yet if things are going horribly wrong, I'm more likely to assume that I am in fact to blame for it all.

I've long had a poster on my wall, white letters on plain black background: If I don't take care of us, who will?

A nice sentiment, but at times in the past I suppose it has made me somewhat easy to take advantage of.

What I realized this afternoon, driving in my car, is that I really haven't led anyone on. I'm sorry if C. thinks I have, but the fact is we've known one another for nearly three years now. When we first started hanging out, we were actually dating. That only lasted maybe a month, and after maybe a month of slightly chilly interaction, we became friends.

We're talking three years of friendship here, folks. Friends who've slept in bed together naked many times, with neither of us actually doing anything. (Okay, to be honest I may have tried a couple of times, but as soon as she didn't reciprocate, we were done.) For almost the last two years, she's been dating someone else. A jackass who treated her like crap, but she was with him nonetheless. And I've certainly had my own romantic entanglements in this intervening time. And we've been close friends the whole time.

Yah, I've flirted with her, and she's flirted back. Unreasonable of me to think it was all in friendly fun? Maybe. But considering we've both been in love with others since, and have spent copious amounts of time with each other in a friend capacity including just sleeping together on many occasions, you might say it was really more than just my communication that broke down in this particular instance.

And A.? Well, when you've warned someone by your third time out that you're pretty screwed up emotionally, in no place to have a relationship, and not even desiring of one -- would it really make sense to suppose that one is evolving anyway?

The thing is, in the end: I enjoy their company, and apparently they enjoy mine as well. What's more -- they both have a fun circle of friends to hang out with as a result of knowing me -- my friends can often be a pain in the ass, but they are pretty much always up for a party. For instance, on A.'s birthday the other night, only one of her friends were there, where several of mine were. And she pretty much hung out with them the rest of the weekend.

So what it boils down to -- am I meant to feel bad for being a friend? Should I lie and say I'm in love when I'm not? Should I say I want romantic love, when I don't?

And as far as any possible accusations of toying with their affections just for sex -- like I say, C. and I haven't been involved in that way in a long time. Besides some fairly innoculous cuddling on occasion that has gone no farther, and the very frequent peck-on-the-lips kiss, that accusation as far as she and I go would be insane.

And for my girl A. -- well, to be frank it would really require a bit of twisting of reality to make it so that I'm using her. Really, though I don't regret sleeping with her, I would take it back if it would free me from the awkwardness of being expected to put out again in the future.

It's kind of screwed up -- those of you who may have doubted my claims of fantastic hotness, another little bit of my life to put in that particular evidence file: My whole life I've had people insinuate or outright accuse me of being a player.

Let's talk unfair sexual prejudices for a moment. An attractive girl who likes sex and has had several partners is not necessarily a whore, right? (I've known girls in their early twenties who'd lost count of their partners, but estimated somewhere around 200, who said they were not slutty -- and I never argued.)

By the same token: A guy who's attractive, funny, smart, and sensitive -- seeming to be perfect marriage material, yet who isn't in a hurry to settle down -- perhaps because he'd rather make sure that when he does it, it is indeed with the right woman.

Would that guy be a player, because he doesn't necessarily fall for everyone who falls for him? Particularly when he's never lied? And when he himself has had his heart broken on at least a couple of occasions?

See, this time last night I was all ready to declare myself a horrible person. Well screw that. C. called me twice tonight while I was out, because I'm the only person she consistently counts on to help her when she needs it. If I'm such a horrible person, she can just go ahead and help herself.