The problem with that line of thought was that it inevitably reminded me that I'm now a "non-drinker" if there's such a thing, and so having even a few beers is really outside my range of activities. But then I'd reason, would it really kill me to just have a couple? Well of course it wouldn't, but that wasn't the point of stopping in the first place.

If it's unclear why a trek for food ends up being a dilemna over drinkig or not, I can clarify simply by reminding that I really don't get hungry much. So, even though I knew I should get something to eat, I'd try to trick my mind into going after something else it might want, so that I could throw the food in a sort of side-effect. But, as I say, I spent some time simply not eating or even going anywhere, but just being caught in this circular pattern of thought. I was broken out of it by a call from work, someone was sick and wondered if I'd cover their shift.

Hm. No. I'd rather stay at home and argue with myself about something as trivial as whether or not to eat. Yeesh.

So, um ... right, nothing at all notable about last night's shift, except 1) Every frickin person who works there and is of legal age also hangs out there when they're off shift. Excepting, of course, yours truly. I'm thinking they think I think I'm too cool for them or something. Don't know how to break it to them that I'm really just a recluse who more and more finds socializing to be something of a hassle. Plus, the place is kinda pricey. Plus, I don't drink anymore. Etc, etc. Nonetheless, I'm aware that I seem standoffish. (Along the same lines, at some point when I was ushering out some girls who were getting some boys phone numbers, one of them criticized me for not being sensitive to the situation because, "You have a girlfriend.")

No, honey, actually I don't. But frankly at this particular moment I think I probably understand astrophysics better than I understand women ... hell, I don't even understand that sentence. Alls I know is, I really seem remarkably bad at all that relationship stuff. And as far as falling in love goes, I could really just save a lot of time and use my pocket knife to give myself a nice weeping gut wound right now. But I digress.

The 2) notable thing from last night. There's this one manager, female, about my age, pretty short, extremely bossy. Some have said she can be a real bitch, others simply have said that if there's one person on the staff they actually fear, it's not any of us security goons, but her. And yeah, she does pretty much bark out orders like she's a drill seargent or somethin. But ya know what? Not afraid of her. On the contrary -- quite attracted, really.

Someone tell me, is it sexual harassment to flirt with your boss?

Eh. Probably. Anyhow, the only reason I'm writing this at all at o'dark thirty in the morn is that, after the work shift, I dutifully recalled that I still had not eaten, so grabbed meself some grub ... ate, hung out and read a bit, and decided to hit the sack. Proceeded then to lie comfortably awake for a couple of hours. I guess it's better than tossing and turning.

Eventually my mind wandered onto a topic I don't think I'd covered yet here, so I thought why the hell not. Maybe I'll be able to actually sleep after I'm done.

So yeah. Blowjobs. Pretty weird that such a thing might cross my mind while I'm lying in bed late at night, huh? Nah, really, it wasn't in any kind of fantasy/desire sort of way, honestly. My libido is actually uncharacteristically under control these last few days. No, what actually occurred to me was a friend of mine, a guy, who long ago told me he really, really did not want anyone to ever give him a blowjob. Enough so that he said he would not allow anyone to.

Strange stance for a guy to take, yes? I mean, I think for most guys it's not so much a matter of "allow". (Hey, while I'm thinking on this ... see, I just remember all the random sex stuff that people say. I recall a female friend saying how lucky straight boys are, because... um ... ejaculate? ... is really, really nasty tasting. Which, you know, I can't actually argue about with any actual first hand knowledge. But, something I do know is that not all women taste the same. Like, I've known guys who say they won't ever go down on a woman, because that's just too nasty. My feeling is that some particular girl may have been, but in my own experience body chemistry and diet and all sorts of things account for differences ... so, basically, I'm guessing not every guy tastes just like every other guy. And, if someone who knows far more about the subject than myself would like to correct me here, I suppose I won't argue. Much.)

So back to my buddy -- any guesses as far as why he wanted no mouths near his weiner? Yeah, putting it in those terms should make it a bit obvious. When I asked him myself, I believe his response was quite terse: "Teeth. Bad."

And yeah, the boy's right, there. Now, contrary to Freud's theories, I myself have never seemed to suffer castration anxiety. (I suppose a Freudian would only say I'm repressing. Whatever. Stupid Freudians.) So it kinda surprised me that someone I knew was so afraid he'd have it bitten off that he would deny himself something that most guys find ridiculously enjoyable. And yeah, that was the gist of it. I did try to point out that, hopefully, he'd probably know the girl well enough, and vice versa, that her mutilating him in the middle of sex should not be an issue... somehow, my reasoning was unable to sway him.

I dunno if he still feels that way about it. Probably not. I'm guessing he probably outgrew that, because in general guys love blowjobs. Yeah, I know -- shocking news, yes?

But honestly -- why this line of thought made me decide to write an entry? Well, in the highly unlikely case that the obvious would be somewhat less than that to some, I thought I'd try and be helpful, as far as blowjobs go. (Yeah, I know -- I just give and give, don't I?) 'Cause the odd thing, about myself? Not real big on blowjobs, actually. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've certainly had my mind ... um, yeah, blown ... on more than one occasion... (Honestly, no pun intended there ... just couldn't think of a different way to say it. Hey, have you been awake overnight? Didn't think so.)

So as I was sayin'... while yes, I am aware of why guys are so ga-ga over blowjobs in the first place -- I dunno, maybe I'm unusual or something (nah... couldn't be that, right?) but the majority of my experiences in that department have not actually been all that fantastic. And why? Same reason as my homie's castration anxiety above: Teeth.

Now, I don't know where some ladies are getting their info on this subject. I get the feeling that somehow somewhere out there there's some really bad advice about "playfully teasing" or some crap with your teeth. But really? Unless you know for a fact that you really are damned good at it? You really can just leave that part out. Trust me on this one.

Hey, it's my diary, so allow me to be blunt here: I don't think I've enjoyed, even once, having had teeth scraped over the head of my penis. You know, somehow I'm thinking this revelation shouldn't seem to shocking. But the number of women who do this is really kind of shocking... (Okay, thinking on that -- before my storytelling starts to make me seem like some huge mack daddy, I should state that more clearly, I'm referring to a specific percentage here. Namely, my own. By this I mean, I cannot accurately say "number of women" as if I have any concept of ... say, hundreds of women might do. Nope, far from it. But within my own small realm of experience, the percentage who've done that seems shocking. Fair enough.)

Now let me ask -- exactly how much nibbling do you welcome to your own nether regions? I mean, these are really pretty sensitive body parts we're talking about here, right? And as far as I'm aware, teeth don't actually have nerve endings. So "playful teasing" on one side may well be "viscious chomping" on the other. And really... having spent most of my life as the ill-fated "nice guy", I somehow never found it in my heart to just tell someone they had no idea what they were doing in that department. And yeah, of course we can't reasonably expect to get what we want if we can't tell someone what we want...

But really, the teeth thing is just the tip of the iceberg. Again, no pun intended. I just mean I think that one's pretty obvious. Beyond that, I'm thinking it really starts becoming particular to that particular guy. For instance, for another entry in the TMI department, I'll share that I really don't get off on blowjobs too easily, even if the girl is an absolute master at it. (Ha. Okay, how many women would want their lover to tell them they were a master? I dunno. I've gotten compliments on my skillz, and always took them as such. Anyways...)

Right, my point was gonna be -- I've actually known a few guys who've said that really, they could happily spend the rest of their lives getting blowjobs, and never have conventional sex ever again. Now, for myself, that's just plain crazy talk. The oral stuff is lots of fun and can really be fantastic and all that ... but yeah, considering my little revelation above, is it any surprise that I'm unable to consider it the main attraction?

(Oh, hey, 'nother random aside. I was talking to an ex a bit ago, and she was saying how, though she's had many short-term relationships, she's never had even a single one night stand. Attempting to be helpful, I said, "Well, that's probably because you're amazing in bed." And well, she actually is. She didn't seem aware tho. "Really?" she says. "Ya really," says I, "I know that for myself, after our first night together, I was pretty danged sure that once certainly would not be enough." But ya know -- being perceptive little me, I'm aware that she actually didn't care for this particular perspective. I'm thinking I insulted her. Anyone want to take a shot at why that might be?)

So ... yeah, teeth=bad in most cases. I don't have much else in the way of advice on this one, excepting something else I would think kinda obvious. Now obviously I can't speak for all guys here -- but along the same lines as I'd say a good lover should be pretty giving? At the same time, I'd also I don't think anyone should do something they absolutely don't want to. This is to say, being open, exploring your boundaries, being willing to try new things, all good and positive. But basically -- I just don't think that anything that actually turns on person off should become anything like a regular practice. Even concerning something as simple as oral sex. Personally, I really don't want anyone doing something they don't actually enjoy. 'Cause it's meant to be mutually pleasurable, yes?

Okay, one more random tangent, then I'm done. Talking to a female friend yesterday, I discovered that a woman does not necessarily have to actually be turned on to have sex. That seems like insanity to me. I mean, I guess I shouldn't be so incredulous, but ... I dunno, I'm figuring our bodies have these nifty little changes that occur when we're in the mood to facilitate things, guess I just thought those changes were absolutely crucial. My friend sez this really ain't so. So, um ... who thinks I'm a moron for having lived this many years without being aware of this? Show of hands?

Meh. Anyhow -- I dunno, granted this is speaking without actual firsthand experience, but I think I'd still say, even after 10-20 years of marriage, that I'm really not too interested if you're not in the mood. I mean, doesn't someone having sex with you purely to make you happy kinda make you seem ... just a bit pathetic? Or is it just me?

I suppose it's just me. Anyway, there you have my treatise on blowjobs. And I'm not even sure what a treatise is, but there it is nonetheless.

And of course, allow me to say, to any of you who may have sex so readily available that any of this might be relevant at all: Damn you. Damn you straight to hell. I bet you think you're sooo special, huh, with your regular diet of sex and all? Well guess what? A recent medical article reported that regular sex leads to a shortened lifespan. So have fun while you can, ya bastards. Just keep in mind, that's six hours off the end of your life for each orgasm. So there.