Once upon a time, say, oh, about ten years ago, this young man realized that for all the fun and interestingness of his life, the fact of the matter was that it just wasn't looking so good on paper...

Which, really, is just the story of my life all over, now that I think on it. And by the way, to tangent as I so love to do, I must admit that it's seeming truly somewhat odd to me, the number of years that I can now so easily reflect on. This is to say, I'm realizing that I can say that was twenty years ago ... and sure, I may have well been a kid if I'm saying that, but only even a teenager. That's just hella strange to me, seriously. On the one hand, I do have a world of experiences and (what I would like to call) wisdom as compared to my 13, 18, even 21 year old selves ... on the other, the fact of the matter is if you'd asked any of those younger me's they would have predicted that I'd have it all figured out by now, and the fact is: not even.

Could I give younger versions of myself a world of answers to questions? Sure. Would I bother to? No. Because probably the main thing I've figured out now that I hadn't then is that there's more than one answer to every question, and they're all equally right. The world does not get more simple, it gets more complex. Unless you're intentionally not learning, which is a worse prospect.

So right, where was I? Ah yes, referring to approximately ten-years-ago me, I was bright enough to realize that, after having squandered the scholarship I earned out of high school, then deliberately thinking, "Hell, I'm still a kid ... I can afford to work crap jobs and slack off for a few years...", I realized that my life, on paper, looked as if I had been doing just that. And unfortunately, the world isn't necessarily going to hand all the best opportunities and responsibilities over to charming, bright slackers ... particularly not ones who actually look like they're as hardcore a pothead as they actually are.

So, I went into the military. "Credit in the straight world" if there ever was any. Whoever you were before, you're nothing but a uniform once you're there. And yes, it was a lovely time.

The most lucrative job I've had in my life followed that, and yes it was due to the military stuff ... not just the education and experience I got there, but also because the workplace was pretty much in love with ex-military people ... in truth, it does tend to instill a certain kind of work ethic.

When that job petered out a couple years later (company bought and sold many times over, to eventually be shut down) I was fed up with playing that particular role, and thus we entered a stage of re-evaluation and slacking that resulted in a return to higher education. Higher education itself is a sort of credit in the straight world, but honestly not much. It's really kind of an "at least you're doing something kinda thing, though realistically our culture doesn't put that high a value on education in and of itself. The idea is always that you're supposed to do something with this education. Which, fair enough, I've intended to.

Meanwhile, tho, I've barely worked. Not at all for the first year, because I just didn't have to ... I had enough money saved from the "good job" beforehand, and I frankly wasn't motivated to try to work and go to school. When I did get motivated again (read: ran out of dough) I returned to the technician gig ... again, a place that just loved us ex-military types. That didn't last long tho, as I threw myself down a flight of stairs a broke a limb rather than continue.

That kept me out of work for a while, till I decided to go even further back, returning to my service-industry roots by becoming nightclub security -- and yeah, broke another limb to get out of that one, though I did return for another month or two around that broken hand to finish out letting them know exactly how much contempt I had for them.

Now, I've been working part time, 20 hours on the weekend for a year now, at a hospital. Decent job, benefits and such. But just today, I was filling out an application for the behavioral health/social services department of the hospital -- you know, working with the crazies? -- and it really hit me why I've been dreading trying to do this kind of thing.

I mean, this job would easily serve as the internship I need to finish my degree, so that would be great. In addition, so long as I kept it, it would also be great as far as being "experience", both for other jobs in the field and as evidence of my commitment for when I want to go to grad school. And trust me, I'll need help.

But frankly -- when you look at the last ten years of my employment (as this application did), the more recent years just don't look so hot. My straight world cred is flagging. Those military/technician years look okay, but the spottiness of the last few ... well, once again, make me look like the dyed-in-the-wool stoner I after all really am.

Okay, in all actuality I'm not much of that anymore. But I still drink more than I ought to, and overall I spend far more time playing computer games and bullshitting with my friends than doing anything productive. And it's not real hard to read between the lines of job applications to see that. Pretty half-assed work history since about, oh, 2002, and not a real decent reference to save my life. I mean, there's those who believe nobody ever calls references, that they just want you to put somebody down ... and yeah, I'm pretty much banking on that at this point.

All this to say: I am apparently living the kind of life that puts value on things other than the kinds of things that are valued by society in general. In other words, I am not a good little capitalist. I don't actually own a whole lot. I haven't earned a lot, money wise.

So what good am I, then?

Well. People love sitting next to me on a barstool, I can tell you that much.