Two, I've always tended to be a fairly empathetic person. Honestly, it hurts me to see other people hurting. And while being like that can certainly have its disadvantages, I'd rather that to its alternative. Or as one songstress put it, "I'm sensitive, and I'd like to stay that way."

Three, there's a girl I thought I was having an emotionally light relationship with, since that's all I can deal with at the moment -- unfortunately, she seems to have fallen in love with me, necessitating a "breakup".

Four, I've a longtime friend who everyone insists is in love with me despite the fact that we've been over this again and again -- and of late, every time I see her she finds opportunity to tell me what a horrible person I am, how I'm sexist and egotistical and selfish and just in most ways a truly horrible person.

Five, one of my best friends threw a party tonight, and true to being her friend I'd like to be there. Except that both the aforementioned girls are in attendance. I've tried to explain to my friend why, considering all that I've laid out before, I'd rather not "party" with this particular group -- not only are there people hurting, but apparently hurting because of me. But is there any way for them to stop hurting, without my attempting to live a lie, and undoubtedly increasing my own misery?

The unfortunate thing is that my friend B. seems to have some sympathy for both of these women, if only in the sense of knowing what it's like to love someone and not be loved back. Problem is, I know what that's like, too. It doesn't mean I can fix it somehow. And even if it does make an asshole -- what exactly do they want me around for? So they can make me feel like even more of an asshole?

You know, the full version of the quote I referenced before is, "Please be careful with me, I'm sensitive, and I'd like to stay that way."

Believe it or not, I do try my best to be careful with people. But being careful with people can't always mean giving them what they want.

How should you give to someone that you are in love, when you are not? Is it not more cruel to pretend?

And honestly, one of the things that hurts me most: C. keeps pretty much insisting that I'm just somehow a "dog" who's only after sex with women. Right. And everybody at this party I'm supposed to go to is female, short of two guys.

You see, I don't know. Maybe I am a dick, I can accept that. I mean, I don't want to be, I don't mean to be, but maybe I'm doing it without realizing it.

But can someone PLEASE tell me, why on earth do these people want me around, if I'm such a horrible person?

You know, a while back I wrote an entry called My Friends Are Not My Friends. Well, now you know what I'm talking about.

Fuck.

Fuck.

And yes, Fuck.