If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your Mercy spill
on all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will to make us well
And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
in our rags of light..."

You know, it's really kind of funny ... like, I recall someone saying a few times the other night, "I don't believe in altruism..." And I didn't pursue that conversation, because I've probably heard something like that opinion before.

I mean, I know I've heard something like it ... and I avoided going there this time because frankly, it just makes me sad. Some sort of "new morality" that attempts to acknowledge selfishness or short-sightedness as inherently human, and therefore questioning, criticing, or demonizing anyone who actually seems to act with the best interests of others in mind.

As far as it goes, I'd be rather suspicious of someone who routinely acted to screw themselves for others' benefit, myself. Not suspicious in the sense that I would attribute some sort of malice to that person's motivations, so much as honestly questioning how sane or reasonable it can be for someone to value everyone else more than they value themselves.

But you see, I don't think that that's what altruism is about -- it's not, "I'll screw myself in order to make you happy." Even if it can unfortunately sometimes end up that way. I mean, if you've a selfish and unsympathetic person who's regularly interacting with an empathetic and altruistic soul, yeah, the empathetic person's actions might easily seem to only screw him/herself.

But I'm sorry, to condemn the altuist in such cases really is a matter of attributing blame to the victim. Like, "We could avoid all these complications if you'd just act like a self-centered asshole like the rest of us. Really, you're kinda bringing all this on yourself..."

But you see, I do believe in altruism, and I also believe that in its simplest form, altruism is no more complicated than the Golden Rule. And yeah, I've had philosophy classes that point out the flaws of making that the sole basis of morality ... but I'm not saying it should be the sole basis.

Only that it's not that an altruistic person is putting other people before him/herself -- rather, she's simply not putting herself before others.

Now, in a case where we're both hungry, and there's only two apples to eat -- well, it shouldn't seem horribly complicated for the altruistic person to be equally kind to themself and to the other person. Sadly, most of human interaction simply is not that cut and dry.

Allow me a bit of self-serving pity for just a moment here. I will tell a short story of my troubled youth. I'll make this a particular story, though this sort of theme followed me throughout most of my childhood. I remember being on the playground, at about 6 or 7 years old. And I was a nice kid -- you know, got good grades, didn't get into trouble, obeyed the rules, that kind of stuff.

Well, I recall at some point a little gang of kids -- at the time it seemed the majority of the kids on the playground, but I'm not sure that part is reliable -- but I recall that some of the more popular kids, and some of the trouble-makers, somehow got into a little group and decided that some of the lesser-popular kids should fight one another, for their amusement. And yeah, I was one of those unpopular kids.

Now here's the funny part. I remember being crowded into a circle of screaming kids, I remember how the other kid looked frightened but apparently thought this would move him maybe microscopically closer to "cool", and I remember thinking I'd really rather stay out of trouble than seem cool.

But overall -- I had no desire to fight. If you've ever been in a real fight, you'll recall that it's no fun -- even if you are the winner, it still isn't. So I really was concerned with myself in that situation.

But, to be totally honest -- it wasn't for me that I didn't have that fight. And I mean, I specifically remember looking that other kid in the eye, and seeing his naked fear ... and just feeling so bad for him, that he was this desperate to be accepted. And don't get me wrong -- I wanted to be accepted, too. I mean, who wants people to not like them?

But the fact is -- even though I knew I wasn't a tough kid, I still knew I could have beat that kid up. He was the one motivated to do it to try and make himself look better -- but if we'd gone through with it, it would only have made him look worse.

So as I said -- that was not a solitary sort of experience for my youth. Variations of this story pop up throughout. And part of the difficulty, each time, was always that when I walk away, it's assumed that I'm only afraid, rather than kind.

So okay, that story wasn't so short. But my point in telling it -- it's not always so easy, to decide what the most kind thing is. Would I have done that other kid and myself a favor to fight him, so we'd both seem "tougher" in general? Should I have gone ahead a let him win, since it obviously meant more to him? Or in the long run, would it have been kinder to go ahead and beat him up -- and offer later why we should never have been there, and hoped he learned a valuable life lesson at a very young age?

I mean, don't get me wrong -- I have not actually spent my life questioning decisions like that one -- pretty much, I think I was right to walk away from every fight that I did, and I actually think that the ability to do so despite peer pressure or social repercussions was integral to the person that I would eventually become.

I only mean to point out -- the true difficulty in being altruistic is that you never do know what is the kinder thing. I mean, you never know for certain. What seems best to you may not be what the other person wants -- likewise, what the other person thinks is best you may be utterly convinced is only harmful. A friend who wants you to loan them money to pay off a drug dealer, for instance -- I mean, even there, on the one hand there's getting them out of immediate danger, but on the other you're supporting life choices that will ultimately not serve that person.

And of course, it's not simply a matter of not being certain what is best for others. As I said, I don't believe an altruistic person is devaluing themself as a human being. So consider how to do this in a complicated relationship, where you and another person are very, very close -- how simple does it become, to just know what is most right for you and them, without unfairly benefitting or punishing either?

So where my self-pity comes in: Believe it or not, I've lived my entire life trying to consider that we're all human, and thus all equally capable of happiness and pain -- and all equally deserving to have as much happiness as possible and as little pain as possible.

And no, my point is not that that is so terribly unique, or as if it somehow makes me anything special. My point is only -- so many people find it so impossible to believe that anyone is actually like that, and often those people are extra suspiscious, critical, and unkind to those whose motivations they don't understand. You're not doing it for "this reason" but really "this one", if you understand what I mean.

And that can get very tiring. Simple enough if you simply dislike or distrust -- make this clear, and we can both keep to our own, and both be the better for it. But it's hard to have "friends" who are constantly looking for the demon behind your eyes.

Because if they keep looking long enough, you have to start wondering if maybe there really is one there.

And yet, this is where my faith comes in. "If it be your will..."