The part I remember tho, is that one of the main characters, who was purported to be a genius, was at some point lamenting the sad shambles of failure and mediocrity his life had become. And the part that stuck with me was, he was saying how most people didn't know why they weren't successful ... you know, fame and fortune is just this elusive thing, and all that.

But not so for this guy. No, he was different because he knew why his life was screwed up. He surely was a genius -- but he knew why he was a fuckup, too.

As I said, most of the book was forgettable, so I don't even recall what his particular damage was. But you know what? I know what mine is.

You'll hear me speak often enough about my many talents here. And no, it's not that I'm talented in everything -- I'm tone deaf, absolutely no musical talent, a fairly shitty poet, can't dance at all, no mind for money, and on and on. But I do have many real talents, as well. Enough so that realistically, some measure of "success" should be mine fairly easily.

But like the guy in the book, I know why I'm not already rich and famous. The fact of the matter is, I may seem in some ways a genius ... no, not to you guys, but then, you don't really know me that well. Anyway, for everyone who's thought I was a genius (including myself) there's one inescapable facet to my personality that knocks me down to only slightly more than mediocre: I really am incredibly half-assed about almost everything.

And I don't even know why. Seriously.

Let me give you an example. I've got two of my grades from this last semester back. One was an "A", the other -- and yeah, it pisses me off to even say it -- the other was a "B MINUS. A fucking B-. I was fucking pissed.

Seriously, I was all ready to rant at the unfairness of the world and all the evils of the universe ... in fact, in my head I already was. Then I remembered ... oh yeah, at the end of the semester when I was cramming, I decided, "Well fuck it. I'm sure I'm getting an "A" in this class right now. I can just let this last ten percent of the grade slide."

Gaaahhhh! And I'm planning on going to grad school! What the fuck is wrong with me?

And sadly, it's not just in academics. Let me give you another example. Say you're a girl who I've newly started dating, and I really like you. And let's say, I call you some sunny afternoon and say, "Hey, let's meet at this local coffee place. I'm heading down there right now anyway, you should join me."

Well, if you showed up there later, you'd probably expect that I'd be there. But -- and really, I shit you not, I really don't plan these things -- there's really probably less than a 50% chance that I'd actually be there when I said.

Oh, I'd have some excuse or other, and it would not be made up. What's more, you might think I just really don't care, or that I'm playing some kind of game with you. Neither would be true.

Sad fact of the matter is -- I'm quite smart and talented and all, but I'm still a fuckup, regardless. I guess it's a good thing I'm talented in the first place, or else in a net sense I probably wouldn't even reach average.

I seem to recall reading somewhere that excellence is a habit. As in, it's not something you achieve once, but something you continually strive for.

Well, I certainly get offended enough if someone wants to give me an average grade or such ... but honestly, my feeling that way is bullshit. I never worked for an A in any of my classes, so really I couldn't reasonably argue that I deserve one. I don't know how I came to be such a half-assed individual. I really don't. I suppose maybe ... maybe the problem is, I find it hard to make myself believe that I want the things I want bad enough to really work hard to get them...

Nah, that's not it. Hm. Actually, probably more likely: I'm the youngest of a huge family, and I was spoiled by one and all in the family. So in the end, I don't really think I should have to prove I deserve success ... seems I think it should just come to me, anyway.

Yah. That attitude will get me real far.