Okay. Could someone explain to me why it is that a hot girl will pretty much have to beat the guys off with a stick, however as an attractive guy ... yeah, I see you checking me out. And yeah, I've had to develop a way of not feigning surprise while not seeming conceited when people say stuff like, "Wow, you know, you're a really attractive guy" or "[strange], do you know that people have entire conversations about how pretty you are?"

And yet, not only am I not fending the girls off, but half the time if I chat with them a bit, I can see the defensive wall flying up pretty damned quick. Yah, I know "women have to be careful" [not that I'm really sure what that means] and that the more charming/sociable the guy is, the more likely women are to be suspicious ... what I'm wondering is, does this all really make perfect sense to everybody else?

If you're a bright, personable, very attractive guy -- "Oh shit," thinks the average girl if she sees you coming, "I really hope he doesn't flirt with me. I mean, I'm single and everything, and he's really hot, but..." I'm saying it makes little sense to me, kids. I mean, married or otherwise spoken for women are cool with me. Wherefore the suspicion for the single chicks?)

/rant

Sorry about that, guys. But as I am single, it's something that's just been kinda nagging at me for a bit. If I don't go talk to the girl I think is cute, 9 times out of ten she won't come talk to me. If I do talk to her, she'll wonder what I'm up to. Exactly what are my option, then?

Hm. Okay, I said I was done with that, and I wasn't. But now I am. Onward to the point of this entry:

From all my mentioning of my fantastic hotness, a couple of people quite reasonably suggested that I might want to support these claims with a pic or two. Eminently reasonable, yes. But sadly, not something I suspect I'll ever do. And here's why:

Even before I ever had my own diary, when I was just browsing those diarylanders who inspired me to wax self-indulgent in my own right, one thing I noticed was how many people shut down their diaries, or switch to a new one, because someone has found/is reading their diary who they'd rather did not.

Now, as far as it goes -- pretty much, since nobody in my offline life even knows I have a diary, finding me at the moment would require ... hm, I dunno. They'd either have to just stumble across it first, then notice enough details to say, "Hey... this all sounds awfully familiar" or just search for diaries in my town in the first place, with a particular eye out for particularly verbose guys.

And as far as it goes, the number of people who know my tastes in music, movies, books and such, or who simply know enough about my daily life to make it obvious from my stories who I am ... we're talking a pretty small number of people. And like I say, the odds of any of those few finding me in the first place are pretty slim.

So why am I worried about it? Because if I wasn't anonymous, I doubt I'd be as honest as I have been so far. Even though I'm aware that pretty much anyone who cares to can read all this, I still write it as if it's my own journal... these are my thought and my stories. My truth. And pretty much, anybody else can like it or lump it.

But. For one, I talk about other people here, and obviously if they don't know about the diary they can't have given permission for me to do so. And, honestly, not everything I say about everyone is all that flattering. Again, this is my truth, and I have no desire to have to try and defend it or explain it to someone whose feelings have been hurt.

Is it likely that one picture would have everybody I know voraciously reading my every word? No, of course not. But might it, even minutely, increase the odds? Yes.

It's for this same reason that I don't use my given name here, and likewise the people I talk about are only referred to by initials (or in some cases, descriptions). I mean, how embarrassing if, say, I had a friend named "Bob" and Bob, out of boredom, happens to search one night for sites that refer to a "Bob". Here would be my buddy looking for a laugh about what others say about other Bobs, and here he finds that, for instance, his habit of criticizing me whenever he feels insecure just makes me want to strange him.

Nah, really -- the point isn't that I think it's too likely that anyone would really stumble across my ramblings that way, but just that if I thought there was a chance, I wouldn't feel as free to speak my mind. And if I didn't, I wouldn't bother doing this at all. Because in the end, this is an outlet for me, and not so much a statement to the world at large.

So I'd hope that makes some kind of sense. It's not that I don't want y'all to know my name, or my face, or anything like that -- it's just that I do want you to know my mind, and I'm insuring that the only way I know how.

So yeah, that's about it. Urgh. Ya know, not for nothing, but I really have to get my sleeping patterns back to normal. Yesterday two friends and one potential date called me, and I just kept on sleepin.

Sleep is a lot of fun, kids. But sadly, I doubt we can call it real life.

Take care, now.