Kimbaleigh wrote (in response to my previous entry which was in response to her latest entry):

"...thanks it was interesting to get a guys opinion. Though as a woman, well girl im not sure i agree with you here, 'as far as I can understand it rape fantasies for women who actually are sane are generally more about being freed of control or responsibility than about physical roughness or degradation.' Though in your defense its quite likely that i dont fit into the 'sane' category, therefore your statement wouldnt apply to me anyway. But i still think you'd probably be surprised how many women would like some roughness!"

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Well, actually I wouldn't be so surprised. For one, I actually do have a little sexual experience myself -- which is why in the previous entry I'd noted that to varying degrees, most of us prefer some mixture of roughness and gentleness in sex. I even pointed out that some people maybe only like gentle or only rough.

But I also pointed out that our individual definitions of rough and gentle vary -- so I would ask you, is it necessary for it to be a rape fantasy for you to enjoy roughness?

Of course, that's a pretty personal question, and you are free to consider it rhetorical. But honestly, I am interested in the female perspective on this.

The thing is, some roughness can be fun in reality, but I honestly think that for men, the risk of blurring that reality with fantasy is different than it is for women. That's what I meant about how the responsibility aspect is different -- a woman can fantasize about being raped, and it's just perfectly as rough as she'd imagine and just as pleasurable and all that...

Well, in consensual sex these things can of course be played out. But a guy with strong rape fantasies who really enjoys them has a problem -- not a mental problem I mean, but a logistical one. He is strong enough and big enough to overpower a woman and force her into sex if he has the opportunity.

So if it's your particular fantasy, and you're in an elevator with a rough-looking guy, your mind wandering that way is fine. On the other hand, if it's his fantasy, and you're alone and he let's his mind wander -- if he finds himself getting turned on, at what point does it stop seeming like a fantasy for him?

I guess I'm saying, maybe to my imagination this is how some men actually are rapists. They fantasize about actually not caring what the woman wants, just doing what they want, even about hurting her ... and I assume that you do fall into what I call "sane" if your own rape fantasies don't go that way. I'm guessing, in your fantasies, you are being forced, but you actually love it. And as I think I also said, some sane men fantasize in that direction -- he's aggressive and forceful, and she loves every minute of it.

Hell, isn't that a key element to any romance novel?

I'm saying, in your fantasy, even if you're hurt it's the "right" kind of hurt, that you somehow enjoy -- it's not him doing something horribly painful that you'd really rather him not do. Well, unless you're an S&M sub, maybe. I'm still not really sure how all that works.

But I'll reiterate, and you may of course reiterate if you still disagree -- I was thinking that for women the point of the rape fantasy is that of being dominated, taken, forced ... a guy who takes control and takes what he wants and is as rough as he wants -- almost kind of like, "I had no choice, he was just too manly!"

Or am I misunderstanding?

But for me at least, I will submit that I once had a particular girlfriend who was rather fond of rough sex, and at some point she asked (in the sense of hoping I would) if I thought I was capable of hurting her. She meant like really hurting her -- not just causing pain, but leaving marks, bruises, cuts, scars -- that kinda sexy stuff.

I told her I didn't think so, because tho I technically could, what I could not do would be to enjoy being that rough. Why? Because if I'm going so far as to actually cause damage, I want to be in control enough to know that I'm not causing too much damage. I'm a decently sized guy, and I'm actually very strong. I don't really think it's in my best interest to get too into equating sex with slapping a girl around -- some women I've dated have been like five foot nothing (sorry, I am American -- I can't convert that into metric). How exactly should I want to get lost in lust and violence with someone I outweigh by nearly double, whose actual bones are peculiarly tiny?

You may say something here about women not being as breakable as I imagine. What the hell do I know?

Oh, as far as the favorites go -- nah, I added you because I think you're interesting enough to keep up with and to recommend as such. Certainly I found this topic interesting enough to burn plenty of a study night.

As far as being "quite british" ... well, aren't you? It was meant as a compliment ... though I am not British and have in fact only known a few Brits in my lifetime, I have liked many of them well, and have also been fond of many other things British. So I'd say being "quite British" is a good thing.

I said it, tho, because that's how you described my sense of humor in your first note to me -- I thought it funny, because even as an American I thought the exact thing I imagined you would: "'Quite British?'... well ... I'm assuming that's good..."

And you said "blimey". That's just so freakin cool. I like British slang -- funny enough, a bit ago out in a bar, a girl thought I was British because I'd said "bloody" about something. Maybe I'll pick up "blimey" as well. :)