Okay, seriously though, I realized this weekend that however nebulous that fear does tend to be, there is a very real and very clear component that makes up a good solid chunk of it ... I mean, I'm not saying it's all of it, or even necessarily the majority. Nor would I attempt to theorize that could I take care of this one issue, I would then never again default into the paralyzing side of fear. But I can say that removing this issue would help a lot. If for no other reason than that I would feel far more free to actually just do things without any un-thought-of penalties popping up later.

And though it's a lament way too many of us have, I am of course speaking of the spectre of cash flow problems here. I mean, the fact of the matter is that I've really never been too heavily a money-oriented person. I really never even wanted to be. I've always felt pretty much that so long as I could generally just spend as I pleased (within reason of course) without constantly having to balance my checkbook (or constantly going into the negative for not doing it) then I'm good. This unconcerned philosophy has been good and bad, at times.

The best would have been my first 2 1/2 to 3 years in this town, out of the military. As I was accustomed to from my green camoflauge days, I worked an insane amount of hours with relatively little complaints, so there really wasn't much time to spend the cash that piled up as I earned the highest hourly rate I ever had (or have since) in my life. I did of course get sick of the all-work-no-play routine, and the soul-searching that followed that job is what landed me back in school. So when I left the job, I actually had quite a bit of money saved ... then even as that ran out, I was amazed and quite impressed to find out how easily things like student loans could make for not having to work an awful lot to live a relatively comfy life. Again, I'm not too lavish or greedy a person. I can make do with pretty simple pleasures.

But right ... at this point, we're going into about the fourth year of being marginally to not-at-all employed. And the fact of the matter is ... I mean, I must admit the Christmas gift-buying extravaganza is always good for bringing stuff like this home to reality ... however much I prefer not to worry or even think about money if I can help it, I've been dancing around the edge of complete financial collapse for some time now. I mean, as far as I can tell I live amidst a culture that's built on debt. So fine. But realistically, can't you only have more money going out than coming for so long before something goes horribly wrong with that equation?

I was working a bunch of extra hours at my job at the beginning of the past semester to help ends meet, which of course cut down on the time I could actually devote to school... but I'm saying, larger than that? I think my basic understanding that working those extra hours just for a little while would not really come even close to cutting it. You're pouring an evian bottle on a forest fire, really. What I would have needed to do to avoid being where I am ... um, well first of all it would have been to acknowledge that I knew this was coming. And of course, on some level I did.

And, I would have needed to do something other than focus on school to avoid getting here, frankly. I mean, I did do other things, just not anything productive. But where I find myself now is without a single bill paid this month, and no idea how I'm going to pay any of them really besides hopefully the rent. This, if my school does not just give me my entire financial aid sum, seeing as I haven't registered for a single class this semester.

And if they do give it to me? Well, as you might imagine, most if not all of those people will want their money back right fucking now as soon as they realize I didn't take a single class. Now you see -- I'm saying I could see that I was painting myself into this corner long ago, I just couldn't imagine a better plan. How does this one work, you might be wondering? Well, this is the plan where I take the little time granted by this subterfuge to do whatever damage control I can about this past semester and get set up the last thing I need to graduate for the summer semester coming.

After that? Well, I'll basically have taken four years to completely fuck myself financially, but I'll also have a degree. And they always say your education is the one thing they can't take away...

Anyhow, a little something for you to ponder here. Not really related to what I've been discussing at all, except in that it's all about dysfunctional behavior and such, which clearly is something I'm all too intimate with.

So realistically, I'll admit that I'm just a tad uncomfortable with making generalizations along sexual lines, because obviously it's not like my perspective can be an unbiased on. But having admitted that, I must also consider that this is my diary, which pretty much means I can talk about whatever the hell I want to talk about. It's kind of fun that way, isn't it?

Now, maybe it's just me (I mean, really just me) or maybe it's just the women that I've encountered of late, but it's seeming to me that some chicks (without the appropriate degrees, I might add) are feeling really way to frickin free to toss out psychological diagnoses when it comes to men. Anyone else seeing a pattern something like this?

I'll tell you what -- what this has kinda reminded me of is something I noticed that some guys do quite a few years back. Like, I worked with a friend of mine at the job I mentioned earlier, and one of the people we worked with was this young lady who was considered quite hip and stylish by most in the place, and considered quite attractive and sexy by most there too. I had no problems with her, though honestly I didn't spend my time over salivating each time she graced me with her presence as a lot of the (older) guys did. Anyway, my buddy claimed she just wasn't attractive to him ... because she had fat ankles, he said.

Now you see, some guys will do that sort of thing. If he had to acknowledge that he really did think she was hot, he'd have to consider what kind of chances he might have with her. Which might make him have to consider what kind of things might make her not interested in him. If he could find something, anything, to supposedly disqualify her as being worthy of him, then his own flaws never come into question.

In the same way, I've noticed in recent years what seems an increasing trend for women to spout out with terms like controlling, codependent, intimacy issues, boundary issues, passive aggressive, and on and on. And you know, as far as it goes, if these people were in happy, stable relationships themselves ... or, alternately, we obviously quite happy and content (and not clearly overwhelmingly lonely) on their own ... then I might (might that is) say they have some qualification to hand out these diagnoses themselves.

But frankly, there's a larger issue than what your own life looks like, if you're the type of person who's comfortable with deciding what everyone else's psychological glitch is. That issue, summed up: Do you actually know the disorder you speak of, and the person you're applying it to, well enough to make this diagnosis? In other words, are you qualified?

Okay, so maybe the seemingly endless classes are making me a little literal here. But as far as that goes, if you know you're talking to someone who's in the last dying throes of a psych major, shouldn't you be a little careful about tossing around psychological terms? Is the willingness to do so supposed to make me think you're smart? That would only work if you could do so accurately.

Thing is, much like my buddy who simply could not get past a hot girl's supposedly chunky ankles, I see this casual declaring of other's mental (and specifically it seems, relationship oriented) issues as a pretty transparent defense mechanism. So you've had some tough times. So you've been hurt, and don't want to be hurt the same way again. Mabye, most of all, as time goes on you become less and less willing to take a chance on someone else when you may get rejection as a reward. Hey, I know where you're coming from.

But frankly, I don't go about deciding who has abandonment issues, and who never got enough of daddy's affection, or whatever. Or if I do, for God's sake I keep it to my self.