So my sweetie finally got back from half the country away this weekend, the 2+ week vacation to warmer climes having come to an end. I really did miss her like crazy, so it's been like a while the whole time since she got back. Which unfortunately had to be short time, because her job is sending her out of town for some stuff Mon thru Thurs of this week, and I believe the same days next week. That does kind of suck, but really right now I'm more grateful that we pretty much got to spend Saturday and Sunday just alone together, not going out or seeing anyone else, just being glad to be together again.Speaking of getting high, there really was an afterglow after some point where I'm laying there thinking there surely isn't any drug high you could come up with in the world that could come anywhere close. And hell, I've been really high before. I've also had really good sex before, so the fact that we make each other feel so incredible really does make me realize that we have something special. It's really that sort of one thing in your life that you just know is right, even if you can't explain it to anybody else. I know that all of my history and the context of where we are in our lives, where we've come together, can definitely make me squirrely sometimes -- but I also have to admit that when I'm feeling her, she absolutely takes me breath away, so I'm not going anywhere if I can help it...
There was a kind of sucky part in our otherwise beautiful weekend, and just as irritating as the simple fact of that is that I really wasn't surprised that we couldn't have more than a couple of good days before something like this came up. It was our last night together after this incredible weekend before she's away again, so of course light talk about sex when we finally go to bed does not lead to more sex, but painful silences and crying and, thankfully almost, recounting of abuses past.
I say almost thankfully there because at least this time she was able to tell me to some degree what was wrong. It's not easy to have someone you care about go from okay and happy to freaked out and crying and to have absolutely no idea what created that change.
But yeah, if I hadn't mentioned it before, my sweetheart definitely has some issues to work out. But whatever, we all do to one degree or another. It does suck that the stuff she has is really so extreme in so many ways -- you know, she's been institutionalized more than once before and she's tried to kill herself more than once. Actually, she would have been institutionalized for trying to kill herself, that's usually how that stuff works ...
Anyway the obvious thing about anyone with a history like that is that things like that don't just come out of the blue, there's always going to be a lot for fucked up stuff besides that led them to that point in the first place. And my CG has definitely had life experiences that are pretty much on par for people who've gotten bad enough to try and end it in the past...
It does suck and is kinda scary because while I do think love can do amazing things, I also think your actual lover can only do so much. Hell, therapists and a list of prescribed medications as long as your arm can only do so much. Our mind and soul in the end can only belong to us ... and to God, as much as that can actually mean something to each of us. We live, and so long as we are alive the mind and soul can heal, just as the body can. But even with the body there's injuries that even the finest doctors haven't a clue as far as how to fix, and for which in the end, only time will tell...
