It's a really cool ring. So cool, in fact, that I actually wear it.

Y'see, I'm not exactly a jewelry kind of a person. For one, accessories and such just seem to get in the way. And really, I don't tend to feel comfortable with all these extras and add-ons. Besides a simple Tao necklace with a nylon string that I wore for -- sixteen years straight -- this ring really has been absolutely the only piece of jewelry I've worn with any kind of regularity.

And if you're wondering, I haven't been the one buying all this shiny stuff I wear once or twice then leave in a nice plush box somewhere. Nope, gifts, each and all. So I feel kinda bad to never wear the stuff -- but it just aint me.

Excepting, of course, for my One Ring.

And y'see -- last night, for about an hour, I lost my frickin ring.

Um, NO. Not after 12 freakin years. Or actually, honestly, time is kinda irrelevant with this one. Y'want my Tao necklace? Okay, you can't have that either, but in the least I've stopped wearing that. (Just this year, too... don't ask why.) But my ring?

I will have my ring. Because it's MY FUCKING RING.

Really, I'm thinking I can understand how the Dark Lord felt.

Dude, it's not your fucking ring. It's MY ring. AND I WANT IT BACK. That's all. That's it. Just that, and I'm done.

An hour after I was supposed to be gone from work, I'm standing angrily at the door of the place, determined that nobody's goin' fuckin anywhere till someone coughs up my frickin ring. Not leavin without it, kids.

It's mine. I want it. I will have it. The end.

So what happened to my ring, you wonder? Well, I'll tell you.

I took it off to wash my hands. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I could not immediately dry my hands. So my bad -- I actually did leave it on the shelf of the sink.

But get this: One of the fuckers cleaning up saw it there and threw it away! What the fuck? Okay, so it's not a whatever-karat diamond something or other... but who the fuck finds a ring, and just throws it away?!?

Now, y'see -- it's a good thing for this individual that my assembling a Dark Army of orcs and such for the distinct purpose of destroying everything he holds near and dear would be considered by most as a bit of an overreaction here. Not that that alone would stop me, but it's also illegal. And not that that would stop me, but I actually don't know where to find any orcs.

Like I said, lucky fucker.

But, I am taking applications for my own future Ringwraiths. So okay, you will search endlessly for my ring should it ever get lost again. On the bright side, you get really cool cloaks and stuff to wear, plus you really won't stay dead very long, no matter how badly anyone seems to kill you. Not a bad deal, right?

Of course, these would be tempt-to-hire positions. Email your resume and references to [email protected]