Honestly? I really am astounded, bemused, and utterly baffled, every time anyone doesn't like me. I mean, really. What's not to like?

I'm polite, yet completely genuine. I've a good sense of humor, yet no need to always be center of attention. I'm attractive but not vain. I'll give advice with no care if it's ignored, and gladly listen to advice so long as I'm free to ignore it.

I mean, okay, fine maybe my one true flaw is narcissism. Hm. Or maybe the fact that, at this moment, I can't remember how to spell narcissicism. In any event, the real, down-to-earth truth of it? I don't really think I have any flaws. I am fantastically, perfectly lovable. I ain't even kidding.

I mean, why wouldn't I be? I actually am quite good as one to cuddle up to, as well. That's always a bonus, right? I give great hugs. I am absolutely prone to suddenly declaring my affection for others and random moments of clarity. I've eternal sympathy and patience, yet I'm unwilling to mollycoddle anyone.

Now. Understand, I'm not saying that I can't see how anyone can't fall in love with me. That, as we all know, is an entirely different department. Nope, I'm just talkin about -- y'know the wacky next door neighbor on the sitcoms? Urkel, Kramer, Fonzi ... even that kid from Family Ties. (Skippy, right?)

A very strange thing about all this, for those of you who've never met me in person, is that really quite often I get that sort of reaction, where people seem threatened or intimidated by me. It's really quite bizarre. If I had to guess as far as what it's all about?

I'm just too real. I know, feel my humility as I admit my flaws. But I'm serious. I don't think I have quite enough fake in me for some people. And I'm not even saying those people are completely fake, themselves. Only that...

Okay, quick story (really this time): I'm a kid, maybe 10. Completely out of the blue bullshitting an answer (because I hadn't been paying attention) I said something that some teacher took as my "sassing" her and -- not exaggerating -- went on a tirade that lasted the rest of the class, which was easily 15 minutes. And I mean, it was all about how she was a great teacher, and we were just horrible students, and who was I to criticize?

If I could go back in time, just step in for a moment? I'd have to say, "Lady, please. Step out in to the hallway, take a serious fucking chill pill. You know what, if you need to, head to the basement, get some healthy primal screams out. But look -- this is a ten year old kid, completely lacking in the worldly savvy to push your buttons about your insecurity as a teacher on purpose. Really. He has no idea where all this is coming from."

And that's just it. Some people, I think, are some times looking for some code of behavior that I either never knew or have long discarded. I don't know how to act impressed when I'm not, interested or charmed when I'm not ... I can't even play dumb very well. I mean, trust me -- if I'm intending to lie I can pull off all kinds of shakespearean shit.

But when I'm just hanging out in the world? All those wacky next door neighbors -- part of their lovability? They're completely in their own world. They can't help but be mostly harmless, because ultimately they are highly self-involved.

I'm friendly to everybody. Because I'm mostly too busy actually thinking about myself.