I wonder what it means in my life, that I've had friendships of such depth and complexity that their end actually required a "breakup?" I mean, I've been through this with girls and with guys. And honestly, I've been the platonic dumpee at least as often as the dumper. Really, it kind of makes me long for the kind of social simplicity in which breakups can actually be purely the realm of the romantic entanglement.At the same time ... well, I suppose I could be grateful for all my previous experience with such things making for a somewhat easier going at this latest, which may well have been the most difficult.
After such a horribly long time of feeling like a liar and a hypocrite -- probably the most loathsome things I could accuse myself of -- I finally told the man I've referred to as Repressed Gay Best Friend that it seemed to me that his path and my own were quite different at present, and that in looking ahead at these paths I could unfortunately not imagine us as being friends in the future.
Says he, "If you're going away, then go."
Well, yeah. Granted it took me forever to have the balls to come right out and say it (as opposed to just ignoring you for a six weeks at a time) but that was the point of this very awkward conversation. I am going away, because in truth I no longer feel like I'm your friend or as if you're truly mine -- and tho I can't explain or defend any of that to you, I trust really you see what's real as plainly as I do, so you understand.
For over half of my life, I bound your soul to mine with steel hoops and called you brother, more fervently than I would any to whom blood gave the name. I have known us to be kin of spirit, and so have sworn by it.
But yeah. Now I'm going away. I can't say it hasn't been real, just that it isn't anymore.
But the pleasure was all mine. You complete and total asshole.
