I did finally make it to my class last night -- and really, I was kind of reminded of why I find the class so hard to take in the first place. It was actually quite difficult not acting all superior and such ... which, you know, would simply be obnoxious. Because it's not really like I'm so much above doing the little sentence-correction forms and such we were working on when I arrived. But rather, honestly, I'm completely willing to take my chances with doing okay without having done those exercises. I think the only place I slipped up with this was with the instructor at some point, as I was turning in the utter piece of crap paper I'd written yesterday morning. Due to something I'd seen on one of the sentence sheets, I asked her a question about something I'd wondered about -- ya know how your word processor software sometimes greenlines something you're sure is right, and other times it's fine with something you're maybe not sure about? This was one of those times, and when I told the instructor of the mistake I believed I'd left in, she asked if I'd like to have someone peer-edit it for me. I think I was just a little to quick with the "No."Anyways... though I must go and study for the stat test I will fail tonight (is that really empowering? cuz I'm gonna find out...) I first wanted to clarify what the hell I was talking about as far as why LBF pissed me off last night.
In short, this was a relationship where everyone spoke for her but her, and realistically I can imagine (as I did at the time) that they were speaking for me to her. The problem with this, clearly, is that this does not allow us to speak for ourselves. To each other. Last night I was being slammed for acting as though I didn't know how A. had felt about me -- and yet, I was pointing out that I acted on what A. communicated to me. And even according to them, she wasn't saying anything different. So despite what either of us said to each other or anyone else, all those around us just made up their own interpretations, and shoved those down both of our throats.
By the by, when I say that my wrath has fizzled, I only meant that I'm not actively seething anymore. All those guys still can go screw themselves.
Because I was thinking about the night that resulted in our breakup. Now possibly, I'm applying motivations here in retrospect that didn't exist at the time, but I don't think so: After every single conversation between us saying that everything was fine, and everyone else telling me it was not, after our whole relationship of saying this was a casual, no-guarantees sort of vibe (as I would have been lying to claim anything else), and everyone else saying she was head over heels in love, what did I do? Because the opportunity arose, I ended up kissing someone else in the group we were with in the club, this particular night we were out.
Now. Anyone who'd like to point out that this was probably not the smoothest way to force the moment to its crisis would be right on. It wasn't planned, it's just what I did, and I was less-than-sober at the time... tho for my part, I do believe that my biggest reason for kissing a married girl I knew I would never see again was to resolve exactly what the hell was going on with us in the first place.
So no, I don't believe that I'm blame free, and that wasn't how I got into the argument last night. What I'd said was that I blamed everyone else as much as I blamed me, because I don't think things would have worked out the same way without all their intervention. And for all that LBF might want to argue that one, I'd think that my history of ex's kind of speaks for itself: the only ones I'm not on good terms with are the ones who ripped my heart out and decided to never see me again. Well, except for A. now, apparently. But beyond that, while obviously a breakup is never a happy-making thing, I can say that in the majority it has ended up being a mutual decision.
Left to our own devices? I can only theorize that A. would eventually have broken up with me, as apparently she was much more committed to the relationship than I was.
And let me ask this, while I'm yammering on: Okay, you find yourself in a relationship where it does seem like the other person likes you much more than you like them. What exactly is the best course of action in such a situation? Yep, very easy to say you should just end it quickly before things get too deep -- but really, having at times been the person who liked the other more, I can't say that's always what I would have preferred. I think if you're honest with yourself, it's not very hard to know when you're on that side of a relationship. The question is, is it absolutely wrong to be okay with that situation, at least for the short term?
I've an ex who I'm supposed to hang out with at some point this weekend. Until just recently, she'd been dating a guy who was a good friend of hers -- someone she'd dated for a while years ago, and who pretty much everyone could tell had never gotten over her. But in recent times they got together again, even with the caveat from her that there was no chance that the romantic side of their relationship would last indefinitely. In short, a relationship that someone starts by saying, "I will break up with you at some point. Are you okay with that?" And he was. And, well, she did.
I'm not 100% certain that that sort of thing is right. Are you sure that it's wrong? Either one seems too powerful a statement for me to get behind -- really, I'm only shooting for what I think is okay, at this point.
Yeah, at this late date I'm afraid I have to say that "okay" for me is really quite enough.
