So anyway... the last couple of days, I've deliberately stayed in bed far longer than I needed to. I mean, I've woken up at 7 or 8 or so in the morning, and despite not being tired simply decided not to get out of bed. Now realistically, I can't afford to do this -- there is a growing stack of bills that I'm not particularly sure of how I'm going to pay off, and random other responsibilities that truly require my immediate and decisive action, as opposed to my very willful loafing.

As far as it goes, it does occur to me how very privileged I am to be able to choose to behave this way at all, regardless of how the consequences will catch up with me later. I mean, as far as it goes I'm loafing in relative comfort. Which, overall, I guess is the point.

When I am out in the world, amongst people, I find it easy enough to do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing at the time. This is to say, my behavior is dictated in large part by the situation that I find myself in -- in social settings, I seem to have no real motivation of my own, but instead interact with people on the basis of what they want/expect and what I'm willing and able to give in relation to that. Which, oddly enough, still allows me to seem somewhat charming and popular with some people. But of course, the fact that I have no inherent interest in these interactions is the problem with me.

For myself, I'm presently rather uncomfortable out in the world because in essence I find myself wondering why I'm bothering to do any of it at all. Like a true chronic depressive, I've been starting to see most human endeavors and even the rewards possible from such as ultimately pointless.

And yeah, what a bummer, right? I mean, I'm not even bitching about how shitty my life is. Seriously, is there anything more obnoxious than someone who simply can't be bothered to enjoy life?

But I'll tell you what I think about in my half-awake moments as I lay about in my very comfy bed. I think about all the people that I've known, all the friends and closer that I've had, their hopes and dreams, my own, and all the trials and tribulations that colored the path of those dreams. And I suppose from an intellectual standpoint I must recognize where I am now as depression, because what vexes me now is the very same thing that excites me in other times: nothing lasts forever.

Things change. This is true for the good and the bad. And while really the fleeting nature of beauty is exactly what makes it so valuable to us, these last couple of days I've rather felt that it's pointless if you can't hold onto it forever.

What I'm trying to get a hold on is, what is exactly that excites me? What exactly makes me think it's worth it to get out of bed in the morning? You see, in a sense we might say I'm staging a personal sort of protest -- I won't get out of bed until I can find something that makes me really want to.

And is the threat of what we don't want, of worse things happening, enough to keep us going? Well, usually, yeah. While people may very well strive for whatever it is they hope for, I think a lot of our behavior is designed to maintain whatever it is we already see as worthwhile.

And earlier today, I was remembering a few of the things that motivated me in the past. Invariably, it was particular people. There were people I didn't want to let down, people I wanted to make proud, people I wanted to do things for. And there still are people I can do things for now. The problem is I'm kind of wondering WHY?

Why is the kiss of death, my friends. Why is an unanswerable question.

For the joy it brings, I suppose?

Well, sure. But joy doesn't last. In fact, retrospection can often make joy seem rather illusory.

If Life is a game, it's a rather poorly designed one. Seriously, I rather think that I could do better. I've decided that I must devote my life to helping people overcome their problems, that there can be no more worthy or fulfilling use of my allotted time on earth -- yet for the moment, I can't help but be aware that however many problems are overcome, there will always be new ones.

Eh, it occurs to me that I'm not really saying much here at all that couldn't more or less be boiled down to, "somebody needs a hug."

But of course, a hug isn't really all that hard for me to come by. In fact, I got one last night by just saying, "I need a hug." So I suppose maybe there's something else I need, after all.