Of course, the closeness of Christmas and the need to buy gifts does make the lack of funds a tad more irritating ... but really, I'm always a last minute shopper anyway, so that's less of a bother.

Nope, I'm none too worried over the employment thing. Now, the very uncool dent I've made in my back driver's side door -- odd, because I can't do anything about it, but that kinda worries me. Probably because I've never been in any kind of vehicle accident that was anywhere near my fault. But not only did I leave a big honking reminder of my own ability to screw up on the pretty new vehicle I'm so fond of (and, as it happens, also have not paid off), but worse I don't even remember the details of how I did it. Yeah, that's a bit of a worrier.

Oh, but I've worse. I missed some major points by missing that one class last week, due to CG and I fighting. As well, I missed getting the take-home test that's due tomorrow, the last day of class. I wrote the instructor, she said she's mail it. Well, if she has I haven't gotten it as of today, which means I might get it tomorrow, an hour or two before class starts.

Can't afford to not pass the class, obviously. And, barring incredibly lenience and kindness from the professor, can't see how I could pass the class. Now, you see -- this has me worried.

It's really messed up ... on the one hand, I've never introduced anywhere near such pandemonium into my life over any woman in all my long years. In fact, I've a very proud tradition of bailing out of any kind of relationship pretty much as soon as I can see it affecting too many other areas of my life in any kind of negative way. You know, nothing is so good as to warrant taking away other good things in your life...

Did I mention that it was my intention to end our relationship the other night, when I called her after losing my job? I mean, true to my own traditions, I felt like this was just all too complicated and too unhealthy for other areas of my life.

The only thing is, she actually makes me happy. As screwy as all the rest of my life is, I can't even manage to get depressed -- basically because when we're good, we're really good. So I'm wondering if I'm not experiencing my very own first case of what I've seen in others sometimes -- where the relative joy of a particular relationship is not only irrelevant in face of all the troubles it causes in other areas of someone's life, but in some peculiar way is actually the cause of those problems.

Of course, I am aware that I couldn't possibly blame the girl for shit that I've done myself. Still, if I fuck up my own life in response to the girl -- is there really any difference, as far as how I could go about setting things aright?

Yep, I am indeed quite confused at this particular point in my life. And what else can we do at such times but roll with it all?