I bring all this up now because honestly, I'm considering it rather a hassle. For instance, I've been whining for months about CG. Well, allow me to be maybe unnecessarily explicit for a moment if I could -- one strikig moment in our relationship was the period where she accused me of not being really "into" her, because she was turned on pretty much before I ever did anything, and I might need something, I don't know, like a kiss or a suggestive look or something to get me going...

I only mention this because I'm left even today wondering if that's all that her interest in me has been. We hung out for the first time in a couple of weeks last night, and she wrote me today saying she thinks she's in love ... my objective mind says I can't possibly be that pretty, plus I'm a pretty cool guy anyways so I must believe that this possibility on her part has at least something to do with my actual personality.

I'm granting myself just a moment here, tho, to whine about wondering at the part that physical beauty plays in such things. It's not even just about her, really.

People claim that I have a "presence". How much of that presence is simply a matter of liking to look at me?

Yeah, I know: Cry me a fucking river about being so attractive that it's the only reason people like you. Along the same lines, as I've generally seemed to be a pretty quick-thinking sort of fellow, I've wondered in the past how much appearing objectively "smart" biases people to approving/agreeing when they otherwise would not. So yeah, the question becomes, if one could really choose to be not the brightest bulb in the lamp and not the prettiest flower in the garden, would you?

And I'll be honest and say, "No." We have a pretty shallow culture that heaps great benefits upon those who meet the arbitrary qualifications of attractiveness, so it's probably better to fall into that group than to not. Likewise, seeming "smart" would overall seem a good thing, regardless of how stupid you actually behave in your day to day life. As someone normally considered bright, I can attest to being given all sorts of credit I might not otherwise if I didn't exhibit communications that at least superficially seem half-intelligent...

So what's the downside, then? Well, my padawan learner, the downside then is that you can be neurotic enough to doubt everyone as far as their intentions towards you. Just as plenty of women can wonder at the intentions of any random guy who seems unusually kind, exceptionally attentive, because his motivations could be purely sexual -- I find myself too often these days wondering how much of how I'm treated comes from my seeming an attractive, well-spoken guy ... and sure, why shouldn't an attractive well-spoken person be treated nicely?

But if I were objectively not pretty? If I were as shy, nervous, and self-doubting as I used to be, therefore unable to express myself well, would I be less deserving of kindness? In truth, I was probably a much gentler, kinder, more giving person when I was more shy. I probably deserved more kindness then, because it occurred much less regularly, and I would have been far less likely to question it...

As far as things outside of my own crazy head? It's looking like I'll have to borrow money from somewhere in order to pay rent this month -- all the other bills that can't be pay will just have to remain unpaid. This is no small deal for me, as I've never borrowed money for anything in my life -- I mean, literally. "Neither a borrower nor lender be", as the bard said.

But the money thing has just kept getting worse. On the plus side, I did work on the one paper I have left some today, so by staying on this path I should remain one semester from graduating as of this coming Monday. Granted, if I can't come up with the money for rent that will be irrelevant, as I have to be able to afford to still be here in the Fall to have that all work out at all...

See, ya know what? Way back in Fall of last year, when I still worked at the shitty Hipster Club, there was this older (50's) lady who was getting divorced who was all drunk and was pretty much saying that she only wanted me because I was young and attractive, and that's all I ever had to be for her ... I'm thinking I should have taken her up on her invitation. At least then, I'd have no ambiguity and only paid-off bills...