One of the telling things about our returning popularity is that, once again, I have people trying to get me to admit to some mad publicity scheme, in reference to how long they waited in line to get in. "Come on," they say to me. "At 11:00 we waited like 20 minutes to get in, and we could see through the window the places wasn't that busy. They're just doing that to trump up business, right?"

Okay, as one of the security types who does in fact work the door sometimes? No, it's not a publicity thing. We stop letting you in when the place is just too crowded. Also, as a security guy inside the place, I think we should stop letting more people in a lot sooner than we do. And as far as your suspicions of duplicity? If you're just gonna resent having waited in line, how's about not waiting in line? Huh? Dipshit.

There's no end of other places that would be happy to overcharge you for drinks just as much as we do. Hanging outside our place and grumbling at us poor security types is simply ungracious of you. What's more, getting inside and trying to get us to admit that we're playing some kind of jedi mind trick on you is just asinine -- no, it's only you that made you feel you desperately needed to get inside this godawful place. Trust me, there's no need for subterfuge on our management's part -- for some reason, this city is just filled with people who just can't wait to shove themselves in to a horrible press of bodies just so I'll have to yell at them to get the hell out of my way for the duration of their stay.

Le sigh, kids. I realize a truly ironic thing about me working in such a place: I fucking hate people touching me. I mean, unless I've given at least implicit permission that I might not mind. I hate being touched by random strangers, I hate being jostled and I hate being crowded -- for these reasons, I not only avoid (in my free time) places like my place of employ, but also all the many fair-type events that are oh so popular in this land I've now made my home.

At work, I'm constantly yelling at people to get out of my way, just so I can rush over to tell some other jackass to get down off the furniture, quit throwing food off the balcony, come down from the catwalk, don't mouth off to the bartender, take their drunkass friend home, etc etc. In my efforts to do this, I am jostled and bumped and grabbed. You would think a work uniform and, say, an armful of glasses would give someone the impression that you're going somewhere, and that their just standing in front of you might be problematic. But no, not so for the einsteins I have the pleasure of keeping safe from themselves. If I'm too nice, they'll put their arms around me and hug me and show other random forms of drunken affection. Do not frickin touch me! If I'm a bit too stern at the start, they're just gonna argue with me ... which will, in the end, result in them deciding I'm a helluva guy after all. (Because the only other way that one could go would be my kicking their lame ass out of the place.) In reward for being such a helluva guy? More in the form of the unwanted physical contact. Quit frickin touching me, for gawd's sake! Geez!

I've even got workmates from careers past showing up at the place. Ah, yes -- I barely liked you at all when I couldn't help but see you ever day. So glad I now work in a place where you're paying to irritate the living shit out of me.

The only good thing about this place, which by itself I suppose is reason enough to keep up the irritating work? Being as the Thu-Sat shifts are the bread and butter of the nightclub security world, I'm prevented from having this time free and to myself ... which is great, because if I did, undoubtedly I would myself be one of the dumbasses out getting lit on these nights, as opposed to one who is simply irritated by them.

In my own defense, tho? For myself, I avoided any places as trendy and overcrowded (and expensive) as my present place of employ. Tended much more to neighborhood bars, ones that leaned a little (or lot) towards the seedy side, where the customers and the staff were all extremely familiar with each other and strangers might wander in, but usually not in bachelorette parties of 20-30 people.

Hm, which brings an odd thought to mind. WE get all the bachelorette parties? Wherez all the bachelor barties? At strip clubs? Or, seeing as we're a "classier" type place, do the bachelor parties head straight for the meatmarket places?

Meh. I'm curious, but not so much I'd actually care to find them, as I think on it. I'm sure the male counterparts of these obnoxious groups of women would only be that much more irritating.