"Girls, you've to to know when it's time to turn the page. When you're only wet because of the rain..."

Very good advice, for any girls who may not have already realized that.

But that isn't why I'm posting right now. I spent the night with a friend of mine -- a friend who I was drinking with earlier, but when I told him I couldn't pay because of fucked up bank stuff, wanted to go home -- when I realized I could just use my credit cards, he came out again.

Here's the thing, kids -- I'm not a cheapskate. Honestly, money doesn't mean that much to me. That's probably why I never have any. It seems to me that there's too much important crap going on day to day to worry about what you bank account says at the end of it all... so honestly, though I did call him, I was a little bit disappointed in my friend that he came out again.

As it turns out the place we went to didn't take cards, so I just wrote him a check. Even though he said I didn't have to. The thing is: he didn't mean it. He was going home earlier because he thought I was just drinking on his dime, with no intention of paying him back.

That's not friends, kidds. And he really has no reason to think that about me. Granted, there was a long period towards the end of last year into the beginning of this year, where I literally couldn't afford to pay for shit. Unfortunately, this coincided with a time when 1) I dated someone he'd broken up with only months before, and still had feelings for, and 2) ... oooh, I don't think I've dropped this particular bomb yet in my diary.

But fuck it, right? If there's one thing I don't want to do here -- I don't ever want to get to the point that I'm not saying what I want, because I'm worried what people think.

The second thing was -- if you've been reading, there's the girl I've said was totally wrong for me? Well, she was married.

That's not something that's a small issue to me. Again, if you read the entry Someone To Hold ... I was talking about her. So it was a very fucked up thing, but I was very much in love with her, and thought she would leave her husband. She didn't, and I guess that's the way things go.

But I bring it up because my friend S., who I was hanging out with tonight, thinks I'm some amoral playa type of guy because of that relationship. Now, allow me to apologize beforehand to any youngsters reading -- but S. is only 24, he's only had about 3 relationships, and frankly I think he's judging me a bit harshly.

I have never, ever cheated on anyone. And I never would. In fact, I've only been the "other man" once -- in the situation I refer to. And I mean, even girls who only had boyfriends... never went there, and have no desire to.

So S.'s feeling that I'm somehow morally corrupt is, I think, a bit unfair. And tonight, he proved that he thinks I'd want to cheat him out of money.

For real, guys -- if we were hanging out, I'd probably pay more often than you would, and it's not something I'd recall as an owing thing... I've said how my Best Friend R. is a helluva guy -- well, it's something I learned from him. A year from now, are you going to remember where that $100 went, or even care if you do?

Anybody who's paying that much attention to money is a bit of an asshole. And I'm poor, so I think I get the right to say that.

Anyhow, my point in this entry was this: I'd said this dude thinks I'm just an asshole when it comes to women, right?

Well, by the end of tonight, he was not wanting to consider any relationships with women at all, and pretty much saying women were a lot less trustworthy than men.

Did I say "pretty much"? No, he actually said that, explicitly. He said women cheat a lot more than men, so it was bullshit that men get the bad rap as far as that goes.

Now, to be fair -- he was saying that because I'd told him about some of my past relationships, and apparently I hit a nerve. But this is where I'm saying it sucks to be someone whose opinions can't be just opinions, where those who hear you think they have to change what they think because of the sense you make:

What the fuck do I know??! Honestly. Why can't I just talk, like anyone else? Why do I have to worry that my thoughts might have dire repercussions for someone else's life?

Let me tell you a short story -- and for once, I actually mean that it will be short.

When I was in high school, I was good friends with this one particular girl, who was a year or so younger than me. We talked a lot, and since it was rather a big deal to us both, we talked about religion a lot. Well, she was a devout Catholic, because that was how she was raised.

Now, get this -- she quit being a Catholic, quit going to church, and started getting into all kinds of fights with her folks about it ... and why, if you asked her at the time? Because of what I'd said.

Now what the fuck is that, I ask you? Who the fuck am I, that anyone should change their fucking beliefs because of what I say?

This bugs me to no end. So yeah, I was talking about women who've cheated on me in the past, and I've never ever cheated myself -- the relationship with the married girl is the closest I've come, and ... hell, there's a reason I've never said she was married so far. That was a very fucked up situation.

But in the end, I really did think she would leave her husband. I honestly believed we were both in love, and I knew she didn't love her husband. I still don't doubt those things.

So why was she the completly wrong woman for me? Well. The guy she doesn't want works like 80 hours a week to afford the nice house and all the other crap that she wants -- ironic, because one of the things she's unhappy about is that he's not at home enough. So yeah -- no matter how I felt, not exactly my dream girl.

But that's my point here, ultimately -- the women I told my friend about, who were sadly not as committed or at least as clear as I was -- I really was in love with them, and even in retrospect I don't think they are innately bad people.

I do think they were confused. Or maybe I just was. Let me say it one more time: What the fuck do I know?

We're all just trying to figure it out, am I right? Nobody has all the answers.

So do me this one favor, if you would -- dont' saddle me with the responsibility of needing everything I say to be perfectly true and logical. Hell, I've said how I'm in therapy, and now prescribed a couple of anti-depressants.

I'm just as fucked up as anyone else, really. And I'd really like to be given that freedom, just as I give to everyone else.