So here's the thing -- if I am not shy about saying I am attractive (and should I be in my own journal?), I will also say without hesitation that I am fairly bright, and really rather instrinsically kind ... on a slight tangent, I've long believed that this is the difference between those who believe humans are essentially good or essentially bad. I think those who are kinda intrisincally bastards just assume everyone is -- while those who are intrinsically "good" somehow still retain the idea that people are at base, despite being kicked in the teeth a million and one times. But, as usual, I digress.

Point was, I enter the world as this cute, smart, nice kid. And I was born into a very close family, the kind where our loving each other is actually taken as a given, even if sometimes we don't "like" each other. So I always felt loved and wanted, if not particularly understood. Okay, I was a cute, smart, nice, and weird kid. Hey, nobody's perfect, right?

So, avoiding getting sidetracked into describing my family too much -- hm, now that I think on it, I've approached this topic completely differently than I should have. Well, hell, it's not like it's not hella-early in the morning, right?

So starting over -- I'd erase all that above, except I've already written it, so screw that -- the fact is, for most of my young life, though I doubt that I ever exactly thought so, I actually felt that I was somehow being unkind to a woman if I was sexually attracted to her.

Feeling the fucked-upness, kids?

This will somewhat explain, to those who may have wondered, why I've had those many experiences I've referenced wherein some poor befuddled girl just threw herself at me, and I just sat there like a moron.

Though I'm certain it's just one of those screwed-up circumstances the universe just dishes out, the fact is that I grew up with a worldview that rather feared and demonized male sexuality. The apparent insult in being attracted to someone being, "what about all the other fantastic things about me that you might appreciate?"

Like, as if it had to be one or the other -- if you're attracted, you're somehow selling short every other facet of the person.

So, as a teenager and a young man, I had many, many wonderful female friends, some of whom I was attracted to and some who were attracted to me -- yet I never dated any of them. Here I suppose I should be quite thankful that I was smart, kind, and attractive, because really the only way I ever got laid when I was younger was if a girl just finally realized that I was never, ever going to make a move myself, and decided to just jump me herself. This, of course, would undoubtedly explain my persisting affection for sexually agressive women -- back when I was full of doubt, I found their confidence reassuring.

So luckily, time does pass, and given that we try, any of us eventually grows up. Takes some of us longer than others, I suppose -- in my case, I easily made it into my mid twenties completely confused about the fact that I basically considered my own sexuality as something best kept contained.

As anyone who's been keeping track lately will recall, I've a friend -- using the term somewhat loosely -- who is presently on a kick where she likes to say that I'm some kind of player or something, someone who just sleeps with women for the conquest of it or something. This, despite the fact that I haven't slept with her in years, but have spent countless hours enjoying her company otherwise. Okay, we use the term "enjoying company" somewhat loosely, too. If we're honest.

But the thing is -- in short, I spent my entire life being afraid of being a player. Or perhaps more accurately -- I spent that time feeling guilty for every emotional crime that every other guy committed. It certainly didn't help that, for some strange reason, quite often when I was actually flirting with a girl, I would get asked the question, "... are you just a player?"

And allow me to try and be helpful just a moment, kids -- if you're female, and decide to ask that question -- just decide not to. Cause think about it. If a guy is a player, of course he'll say that he's not. And if he isn't -- well, what choice does he have but to say the same thing a player would, anyways? The question is quite unlikely to ever be very helpful.

But yeah, I've spent most of my life as "nice guy" who would inexplicably feel guilty if he so much as made out with you. Don't get me wrong -- when I was involved with those few sexually assertive women that I've known, I was able to recognize reality well enough to tell that this was a Good Thing for us both. But unfortunately, in any case where a girl had been hurt before, or was just afraid of being hurt -- yeah, I pretty much felt like I was guilty before I'd committed a crime.

So within the last few years, I have come to understand the lack of logic in considering it somehow wrong to find someone attractive. I mean, I've certainly never (okay, maybe rarely) been insulted by someone's being attracted to me.

Like, if I'm able to notice that you're bright, kind, funny, creative, and a million other wonderful qualities -- how is it that I shouldn't notice that you're hot, as well? And how should recognizing that be an insult any more than recognize anything else good about you?

But yeah, I explain all this because this is the background I'm coming from, when my friend C. is telling me what a bastard I am.

It is true, these days I am much more open sexually, and much more capable of seeing good sex as a positive thing in and of itself, regardless of whether I and a particular partner are truly "in love".

But isn't that the point? "In love" really is a tricky and difficult thing. And yes, sex is more often than not a rather complicated sort of interaction.

But, while I quite obviously have my own issues and such: Yes, I'm a good person, yes most people enjoy my company, yes I am capable of understanding more than the absolute simplest of things, and yes, most people will agree that I am quite nice to look at -- the truth is, as well, most people have really enjoyed having sex with me.

Now yeah -- that's something any of us is likely to feel a bit self-conscious in saying, right? I mean because, most people think they're good lovers, even when they're not. And even if, like myself, you are a humble enough person that it takes quite a lot of convincing to get to understand that "no, really... that was amazing..." How egotistical or full of oneself does it make you seem, if you go around telling people you're hell on wheels in the sack?

So I'm saying, I'm not saying that with intention of bragging or puffing myself up or anything -- I'm saying it because it eventually had to dawn on me: How can it be that it would be bad to want to sleep with someone, when all evidence indicates she'd really enjoy the experience?

So. I don't know. Feel free to tell me if explaining all this makes me seem more or less fucked up. I don't know. I am what I am, and that's all that I am.

And as a wise man once (often) said, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me!

So yeah, I ain't gonna let C. make me feel bad. She's just mad she can't get any of this good luvin.