Anyway, just to be clear -- yeah, I consider the idea that CG and I should be trying to have a kid completely and utterly insane. Which is to say, it's not that I have been actually trying to have a kid, so much as just being horribly, shockingly irresponsible. I have known that CG is dying to have kids, and she's said pretty much from the start that she wants to have kids with me, which I've taken as good since I have after long years decided that kids would be a good thing, that I actually do believe I could be a good dad, that I possibly really could offer the gift of a happy life, or at least the good chance of one, to a child who's lot in life would be to call me father.

But see, hold the phone. I had to grow to the point to be ready to think all that. It took me the greater part of 30 years to evolve emotionally to where I could be emotionally responsible for another human being, where I was able to want that. Because I've always been aware that a parent is responsible for their kid in endless ways beyond just that, and I honestly never really wanted that.

I mean, it's not just chance or luck that I haven't had any kids as of yet ... that I've only gotten someone pregnant once. That was one-trial-learning for me: Just because you want to have a kid, does not mean that you should have a kid. At least, it doesn't mean you should just have a kid randomly, whenever, with whoever.

And basically, however strongly we feel about each other or how highly we think of each other, that's what CG and I would be doing if we had a kid now. Though we may well both be far healthier or stable today as compared to some of our younger, more self-destructive selves, the fact is we're both still struggling on our own, as far as getting along in the world goes. Especially if you consider the professional/financial, which you damn well better if you're gonna have to completely take care of another human being.

But moreover to my mind, we are not even close to being stable with each other, as any who've been keeping up would undoubtedly testify. We are still dealing majorly with ghosts of relationships past, and it's made for a turbulent and at times truly difficult and unpleasant few months. And it has still only been a few months. How well can you know someone in that amount of time? Well enough to know you want to be bound to them for the rest of your life? Well enough to know that your combined influence on your kids would make them hopeless basketcases?

I dare say not. I know that CG is afraid that she can't have kids, that she will never get the chance to be a mother -- I know she's getting older and her parents are, and that she's always wanted to give them the chance to know their grandchildren, for her kids to grow up knowing them. She's seeing all that pass before her eyes, and in the general misery and struggle of her life today ... I guess I can see how the dream of starting a family, and growing to be worthy of the role could be a most tempting call.

I guess maybe I've been caught up in it, too. But in the world of reality checks, I can't imagine myself capable of actually taking care of a child or a baby, and being okay with that, for probably another 3-5 years. It'll take me easily that long to transform the relative floundering of these past few transitional years of my life into some semblance of personal and professional stability. And by that really I just mean relative surety that without several years of horrible luck, hardship, and calamities, I shouldn't have to worry at all about being poor, homeless, or dependent on the kindness of others.

I've done that before, I can do it again ... it might not even take that long, but traditonally it seems being poor is just part of the turf if you're a student, and I know I will be primarily a student for the next few years. And as yet, I have not really figured out how to do well in school and make good money at the same time.

Yeesh, I think I'm starting to babble. (And y'all are thinking, "Starting?" To which I can only respond: Shuddup, you.) My point in all of this: No, I am not going to be trying to have a kid with CG in the immediate future. But I do realize this means I have to have a big talk with her, because clearly she really has been hoping to have one with me, like right now.