You know ... right this moment, I'm thinking selfishness is probably the most clear representation of evil that we get in this world. And obviously there I'm not talking about evil acts -- murder is still pretty hard to justify as not being evil, however you slice it -- but I'm saying I think by and large those acts are only possible for someone who is only thinking of themself.

After all, if we had to experience ourselves whatever kind of pain or suffering that we inflicted upon others, I really don't think so many bad things would happen in the world. No, people can be cruel and self-serving because they can ignore the suffering of others. Kind of like the well-fed arguing that those who are starving simply aren't trying hard enough -- an easy enough opinion, when it's not you or your family.

There's a million examples of the "screw everybody else" mentality in the world, but I'm not even on about the larger ones here, really. I'm just thinking about day-to-day selfishness. Everyday, automatic lack of consideration for others, while we seek out what we think might make us happy.

And really, as Americans, what else are we taught? It's every man for himself, right? Sink or swim. I mean, the world doesn't owe anybody anything, right?

Um. No, that's wrong. It's really wrong. Because it's not the world that decides it's okay to be casually mean -- it's only us. Each one of us, moment to moment, day to day, all over the world.

And we could argue, "Oh, but I'm good to my family," or "I take care of my friends." But ya know, I'm not even a Christian or anything -- yet even so, I seem to remember something from the Bible that says that's really not so frickin impressive. If I recall correctly, the point was who doesn't take care of themselves? Caring for the people who care for you isn't altruism -- it's still self-serving, because no matter how deeply you may claim to care for those people now, were any of them strangers you'd regard them with the same hostility and distrust with which you regard the rest of the human race.

One of my biggest irritations in life has been when someone witnesses me or someone else doing something that seems selfless, and for the sake of their own conscience has to argue that a) that person's only nice because they don't have the balls to be mean, or b) even their altruism is only self-serving, because they get to feel like they're a good person for doing it.

That is simply the reasoning of someone who lacks the ability to be truly kind. Because it really doesn't take courage to be an asshole. No matter who you are, there's always someone weak or nonthreatening enough that you could be a dick to them if you wanted. Hell, even with "big bad" people, what's really the worse they could do to you? Most people aren't murderers, so where should fear come from? And as far as doing it to "feel like they're a good person" ... fact is, most of our world tends to call the truly kind suckers, not saints. And half the time even those you're kind to won't really appreciate kindness simply for what it is.

And because I've used the word, let me point out that I do seperate kindness from "being nice". Kind isn't "nice" or "polite" or any of those things ... kind is being willing to consider that you're not really alone in your desire to be happy or fulfilled. It's realizing everybody else can experience pain as assuredly as you can. And behaving as if you know that.

Because even assholes are still just human, kids. And no, I'm not saying I would go out of my way to help someone who would happily spit in my face for the effort. Because you need to be kind to yourself as surely as you should be kind to others. No, you don't need a pat on the back or some testimony that you're just A Really Great Person -- but yeah, I'd say that those who would make you feel shitty for being kind to them can probably be just left to their own devices.

That sort of "bite the hand that feeds you" mentality may well be the worst kind of selfishness. In this mind, not only would I never help someone just because they need it, but I would also not appreciate that anyone might do so for me. Or to put it another way, I consider myself evil and petty, so everyone else must be as well.

And that's why I say your kindness must start with yourself. If you don't really believe you deserve kindness, why should you think anyone else does?

Again, I'm not talking here about the large acts of selfishness or kindness -- because those large acts require consideration, and may well have repercussions. No, I'm just talking about the stranger you cross on the street, or that weird kid in your class, or the neighbor you've always seen but never talked to. And I'm talking about something as small as maybe noticing if they seem really upset ... or maybe, actually stopping to really pay attention to them when for some reason they are trying to get your attention and you're in a hurry.

Because yeah, I'm sure you're really busy. Everyone is. And I don't argue that your life, your goals, your efforts are not important enough to require the lion's share of your attention. I'm just saying, if you're the one who needs some small consideration -- or, more to the point, something that is small to the one giving but maybe not so much to the one needing -- it would probably be really cool if someone could spare a few moments to see what you're on about.

This entry really isn't about preaching to anyone. Because leaving aside that I doubt anyone will really read all this, the fact is something as simple as this cannot be changed in someone by any combination of words or ideas. Rationalization is a very powerful tool, and usually it's used to defend our own position, regardless of whether it's well thought out or not.

No, this entry is really just ... I guess realizing why most days I'd rather hang out at home than interact with other human beings. Because I don't judge that those who seem selfish or petty or distrustful are inherently that way, or even that they're aware that they're doing it. By and large, almost all of us consider ourselves good people, and I wouldn't want to try and tell someone that they are not.

But it does make me sad. Because I will live out my life making every effort to try and see from the the perspective of others, to consider not how to be nice or polite to them, but to invariably be kind.

And it seems that, by and large, this will only make me a freak in the world. Someone who is kind without an agenda. Nah... that never happens, right?