Realistically speaking, I am aware that there is a very deep and very intense anger that pretty much just lives inside me, that is normally only held back by my generally kind and compassionate mode of being. Because y'see, the kind and compassionate thing is pretty much who I've been my whole life. The angry? Well, that part was a gift.

Thanks world.

It is days like this that I wish I could surgically remove my conscience. Or maybe not so much my conscience, but that fucking irritating tendency towards empathy that I just can't seem to shake. Our world is so full of people blissfully going after whatever it is they imagine might make them happy, most of the time not even really noticing the damage they may inflict on others along the way ... exactly how misguided am I to try and behave any other way?

An argument I've heard a lot in my life is that no one is really altruistic ... you know, people who are "being good" are doing so because it makes them feel superior or something, or it is ultimately a selfish thing in one way or another regardless how selfless it may originally appear. This reasoning has always bugged me, because we can theorize at evil unseen motives behind others' behavior till the cows come home -- and if you're a person who insists on picking out what seem to be the "nicest" people to say they have something up their sleeve ... well, you're apparently a paranoid freak, and I can't imagine that going through life trying to second guess people is very much fun for you. But hey, takes all kinds.

Personally, I always thought that someone who simply could not believe that another person might do something sheerly out of kindness thought that way because they are incapable of such behavior. Which is really just sad. Well, sad and very irritating.

And something else: Women will often enough comment on how catty women can be to one another, and how guys don't interact so much that way. To this I can only say, please share whatever it is you're smoking. It's a nice idea that guys are straightforward and noncompetitive with one another, but it's also a load of shit. Guys just do it differently, is all. And by and large, women won't see it because guys don't do it to them ... just like women don't tend to be catty with guys. We all have different automatic modes to go into, for interacting with same- or opposite sex peoples.

So yeah, this stuff is bothersome. Should I be filled with a deep and unabiding loathing based only on these things? No, but they help.

For any who've not experienced it? An all-consuming anger is really a quite different thing than extreme depression. I mean, both are kinda socially paralyzing in their particular way, as you might imagine. But whereas with depression one simply finds it difficult to want to bother? With anger one simply finds it difficult to interact normally. As in, it's not that you want to respond to what people say by with "fuck off", so much as you wish to say that before they ever speak to you.

Everybody in the world: Just go to hell. Seriously. All of you together equal such an unending pain in the ass that if I had my finger on The Button, the race wouldn't get the chance to collectively shit themselves before they and all their works took the big dirt nap.

Do I really hate everyone? 'Course not. But just within my own small life experience? There's probably hundreds of individuals I could recall if I put my mind to it. The number of those who don't deserve some horrendous tragedy befalling them? Sorry: Y'know that thing about the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few? Works the same way in reverse. No way in hell should the many continue to get away with murder, just because 1-2% happen to actually be decent enough to deserve the name "human being".

And what, specifically, is the sand in my bikini anyway today, right? I mean really, I haven't even been awake that long ... well, actually that doesn't matter, because I was angry when I was sleeping last night. And I'm not even kidding about that. I had angry dreams.

Irritatingly enough, none of them were dreams where I actually enacted any kind of horrible vengeance. Instead, these were only dreams that had me pulling out my hair in frustration at what total and complete assholes people can be.

You see, I wrote a bit about indifference a while back. That is, how in the spectrum of love and hate, indifference is far more the opposite of love than hatred. We are all really quite concerned with anyone that we can be bothered to actively hate. Whereas hearing that someone we're indifferent to either won the lottery or fell off a cliff -- how would we respond to that besides, "Huh. What's for lunch?"

My point? I unfortunately cannot be indifferent. I can't simply not care.

But what I've found? Try approaching the world with an honest and open heart. Naw, seriously -- I dare you. I'm saying, try forgetting about yourself, and doing your level best to be a living Miracle for someone else, if you can.

This is to say, try to believe and behave as if there really is something divine within yourself, and within everyone -- if only we're willing to be open to it.

This is to say, try and be unafraid. Try being selfless, because you believe that ultimately Love has to win.

Yes. My morality sounds like something out of a Care Bears movie. Is it any surprise, then, that more and more where I felt and saw Love, instead I'm beginning to see and feel Hate?

Is it inevitable? Once the one is disproven, we've no choice but to go with the other? As I said, I can't be indifferent. How could I? I've been just a little too bit invested in my life to not care about anything.

Ruthless compassion. I've been such an advocate. But maybe the world really only calls for ruthlessness.

Hey, I've a new idea. How about being the absolute most selfish, self-centered, obnoxious asshole that you can be? Which again requires: BE UNAFRAID. Simply trust that you are interacting with the world in its most basic form of currency.

Oh, and don't forget this part: If someone calls you on being an asshole? Act really surprised. Say something like, "Oh, I didn't mean it like that." I mean, don't change your behavior in the slightest ... just pretend you're not aware that you're doing it.

Or if you're really good? Don't be aware. Just be the biggest dick possible, and remain blissfully ignorant of all the people who want to strangle you daily. I mean, even in the face of their telling you so. Just assume they don't really mean it.

Store clerks. Wait staff, bartenders, security. Friends, family. Co-workers and even bosses. Children and the elderly. Whoever it is, don't you dare try and consider their perspective for even a moment. Why should you? They aren't thinking about you, right? Every man for himself, it's a dog-eat-dog world.

Fucking assholes. Good morning Diaryland, today I hate Everybody.

So fine, almost everybody. But again, 2% who are decent will not get everybody else off. Screw that.

Oh, one more thing? All-consuming anger actually isn't good for you. Very harmful, in fact. So in a sense, you're justified in being a complete and total fuckhead -- because really, you're only sharing what you already do to yourself.