So, right. Yesterday was, in a emotional and spiritual sense, a Good Day. Pretty much just because married-ex never called me, and I never called her, so I'm not left with the conflicting emotions of having spent time with her. Kinda sucks when your interaction with a person seems so similar to an unhealthy addiction, but whatcha gonna do? In any event, score one for me for resisting that temptation. (Could I have if she'd called? Probably not. But I did resist calling her, so it's something. Plus, I'm not gonna call her to find out why she didn't call. Baby steps, guys. We'll get there eventually.)

It was also a Good Day because I got approved for the apartment I want. That one's kind of weird, because I really can't afford this place. I mean, really, it was occurring to me that once I move in I'll have about 1 month to find another job before I'm unable to pay for the apartment or my shiny new vehicle. So good? Yes. Terrifying? Well yeah, that too.

Yesterday was a Bad Day, because so preoccupied was I with the possible visit of evil-ex and the possible turning-down of this apartment application that I never actually got around to writing the paper that was due last night. Seriously, it'll be a fuckin travesty of education if this lady lets me pass this class. I've been there like five times total so far -- just enough to turn in late assignments, really. Now here's one more.

Of course, on the other hand, I can't afford for her to fail me, as I couldn't afford to pay any loans or anything for this semester back, nor could I afford to continue in the fall if I was unable to get loans for the coming semester. So, travesty or no, I will do what I must to convince her to at least let me slip with a "C". (I have gotten "A"s on my late papers, and I'm sure I'll continue to do so, so... only a little travesty? Y'know, like a little pregnant?)

I also have a date tonight. I guess I could be nervous, and I probably will be right when I'm heading out, but right now there's too many other things to give me the jitters. For instance, I'm returning to chem. dependency treatment today. That is, I'll start going again after I just quit going before. Why'd I quit going? Because I started smoking pot again, and didn't want to lie to them about it. Hey, I lack will power but have integrity. He who is without sin, right?

Of course, the truly bothersome thing is that I would feel so much better if I could just smoke a bowl or two. Wouldn't make anything any different, but honestly it's pretty tough to stress when you're nicely baked. So... right, I have to remind myself that I am the one who chose to quit all this stuff. And basically that I chose to do so exactly because I think I enjoy doing it too much. But still. Me and my damn desire to be in control of my life.

In discussing the slackass academic performance with the upcoming date, I explained how I should have failed this class long ago but am somehow still in the running. She suggested I was sleeping with the instructor. Now, I said I'll do what I must to pass, kids... but y'know, there's limits, really. And just so we're clear, I'm not actually claiming I'm completely morally unwilling to do such a thing. If she were someone I'd be interested in normally anyway, I'm really pretty sure I wouldn't see any problem with it. But, like most of us who do not consider prostitution as a realistic possible career path, I really can't imagine sleeping with someone I'm not attracted to. Not even for a grade that will keep me afloat in very treacherous academic waters.

Um. Was I actually ever considering that? No. But date-girl seemed quite preoccupied with the idea, for some reason. Testing to make sure that wasn't why I was still passing? Well. It isn't. Mostly I think I'm getting away with it due to straightforward "aw shucks" charm. That isn't charm in the conventional sense, but more like -- I can probably seem such a well-intentioned goofball that cutting me hella slack seems the only reasonable option. And, in my humble opinion, it really is.

Cut me slack, people. Slack and more slack. Because I have been professionally diagnosed as a Slacker -- not my fault, it's like a sickness. You know, alcoholism is considered a sickness? Well, this too. I don't wanna be disorgranized, perpetually confused, and largely unmotivated... I just am, kids. I just am.

Hm. Y'know what really sux? How'm I supposed to get a second job (which I will need to) if I'm going to these danged dependency meetings twice a week?