And I was in a melancholy mood, obviously. I dunno, things aren't really so horrible right now, I suppose. At some point today, I was standing out back behind work having a cigarette, and it occurred to me that it is really quite spoiled and self-indulgent of me, to wallow in unhappiness over all that I imagine that I should have and do not. Because basically, I can have no doubt that there's tons of people in this country and others who would kill for the luxuries I take for granted.

Of course, these things are relative, and in the greater socio-economic picture of the US, my life doesn't have many luxuries at all. Nonetheless, I reflected that I live not only in a city and state of my choosing, but in the *part* of the city I choose, as well. And it really is rather expensive to live here. What's more, my apartment is relatively spacious. Not gigantic, but I've lived in and seen smaller. I have a car, and I like it. I have a nice computer.

But blah, blah, blah ... I have to admit, none of this convinced me. In fact, I couldn't help but reflect that it was a little bit sad: I've never cared about money and things, never strived for them, never made them a priority. Yet, when trying to reflect that my life was not so bad, all I could come up with was *stuff*.

So, I tried again. What about the people in your life, those you love and who love you? Well ... this will sound horribly cynical, but I thought, while I know my family members love me, that's pretty much in that reflexive, "one of ours" kind of way. Because the truth is that none of them knows the man that I grew up to be all that well. And, this would be the result of my simply being an odd duck -- even from my family's perspective, I'm a bit of a weirdo. At least I'm their weirdo, I suppose.

I thought of friends. The long and short is, while I used to have a fairly large circle of friends I felt very close to, cynicism and distrust my part have changed all of that. I know a lot of people, but very few of them do I know or like too incredibly much, and the same is true in reverse. I have isolated myself, and thus I have one truly good friend left ... well, and person who really wants to be a good friend, but just is not that good at it.

Are there people who care about me? Sure, in that "I'd be sad if he died" kind of way. But it is a sad state of affairs, if you must comfort yourself with the knowledge that some people would rather you did not die.

I'm really being a ray of sunshine here, aren't I?

I dunno. It's weird, because if it wasn't for my job, I don't know that I'd feel I'm accomplishing a whole lot by continuing to breathe. And as far as it goes, it's not like if I wasn't there someone else wouldn't be. Still, that doesn't change the fact that I am there, and I care enough to be good for the guys I work with.

Um. I got laid last night, completely out of the blue. By someone I probably have very little in common with, who is looking for a boyfriend. I have no idea if this will have any greater significance in my life, but it was fun at the time. Even made me a little late for work.

Okay, I admit it, I got nothing, here. My life is neither horrible nor fantastic, and thus I am neither despairing nor ecstatic. I just am.