Notice, the one spurt of actual postings this year came when something difinitely did happen -- granted, it was a suck happening, but it was a happening nonetheless. I'll tell you, there must be something perverse in me ... okay, fine. There's lots perverse in me, but I'm referring to a particular relationship to hardship, here. I honestly feel like the worst thing you can do to me is leave me with too much free time.

This is to say, it's not recreational time that is the problem. I mean, if I'm amused, I'm amused. What you musn't leave me is bored. I find that I feel much more alive, and much more engaged overall, when I feel like the chips are stacked against me -- you know, that whole backs-against-the-wall, all-or-nothin, here's-where-the-wheels-meet-the-pavement kinda feeling. You know, I'm talking about the, "I *have* to do this, or else I just might as well crawl up and die" feeling. Honestly, I think I become really kinda useless without some of that feeling.

It's the worst thing in the world, feeling like no matter what you do it makes no difference. Now that I think on it, I'm sure that's why so many "troubled" youth end up in so much trouble ... doing what they are not supposed to is at least a way to know that *something is happening*. What's weird is that I spent most of my life being the antithesis of that kind of kid. I wanted to be good, exactly because I knew there was so much need for it in the world ... I felt like that was the way to make the real difference, y'know?

So what's with doing the rebellious teenager act in your thirties? I mean, other than it being cliche? I can't answer that exactly, execpt to say there's probably a good reason that the cliche exists. Your thirties are either your time to get serious about settling down and becoming the next generation of out-of-it parents, or your time to finally come into your own self-indulgent, hedonistic true self. As a kid, a teen, and even as a young adult, you rightfully feared the power of society. In your thirties, you realize you're going to die at some point anyway...

Seriously though, I do have kind of a theory about my own teenage-like behavior. It is not actually that I am very rebellious or self-destructive, really. It is, rather, an extension of what has kids seeming rebellious or self-destructive at a young age. I have now lived long enough to be very comfortable with the things I am familiar with. And I am an eclectic enough personality that the things I am familiar with have a good variety.

The world still sucks like it did when I was a kid. Actually, you might say it's worse. The corrupt politicians have certainly gotten bolder. Hm. You know, thinking on it, I don't think it's so much any rage at the world getting a lot worse. I mean, I expected that, that's why I wanted to help. Nope, the upset is because *I* have gotten worse.

Imagine my surprise. You believe in high ideals, you exercise great strength of will and effort to live up to those ideals ... and somehow everything takes you further away from them, anyway. So now, you know a lot, except for how to make any fundamental change in anything around you. If what you see around you remaind unacceptable, how can you help but "act out"?

"A Change Would Do You Good", the lady sang. Well, it seems like I'm not up to making a drastic enough change to really make a difference if I have to pick it consciously ... okay, this is a little out of the blue, but the truth is that I think subconsciously I always imagined myself a political prisoner. Um, don't think I'm really comparing us here, but for example like Nelson Mandela. I think I sculpted my soul for some great hardship that would test me, something over which I might rise ... instead, mundane failures and equally mediocre successes. I know, ennui is really something you should get over by your mid-twenties, but I can't help it.

So yeah -- as the DWI testifies, my most persistent troublesome behaviors in the last few years have all been related to drinking. I honestly think that's because I'm trying to let out a "me" that I think otherwise does not exist -- y'know, kinda like the Hulk? (yeah, *that* comparison I will make) -- the only problem is, as my sober self has asserted many times in the past, none of us really has two personalities. If you're a jerk when you drink, you're a jerk when you're sober, you just hide it well.

And apparently drunk, I am still respectful, reasonable, considerate, and compassionate -- you know, as much as the stupidity impressed by the drinking will allow. So in other words, I'm no more likely to cause any ruckus drunk than I am sober. Some of us, no matter how we might wish otherwise, were just not born rabble-rousers.