I was all upset over the more pronounced roundness of my midsection, and maybe just a general feeling of listlessness/lack of flexibility. Actually, the most irritating thing before I'd starting going back had become just feeling ... immobile almost. Like, of all the permutations of movement my body was capable of, only a very select few of them could I do without causing either a little or a great deal of discomfort. Mostly, lying still -- and only in particular positions, at that -- could be guaranteed to be discomfort free.

So yeah, figured the most important thing was hit the gym, and be most certain to get everything all stretched, loosened, and worked. I had no idea the damage I was about to reveal. So I'm going for an ambitiously low weight, and more or less just pick this arbitrary low number as the weight I'll do for everything ... figuring, it's been long enough ago since I last made any real efforts at focusing particularly on the proper form and full motion of each repetition. Turns out my ambitiously low weight needed to be slightly lowered even in a few exercises -- and even so, the workout kicked my ass.

It's sad -- I remember a friend of mine who used to go to this gym also, who I just kind of felt bad for, because -- well, she'd be there, but you could tell from the way she moved that she had very little actual strength, even less limberness or flexibility, practically no energy to start with nor endurance if she'd had any. Suddenly -- okay, well, after maybe a year off or so, starting with the Breaking of The Ankle (which I should be approaching my anniversary of, now that I think of it) -- anyhow, suddenly after a year I'm just like that friend I used to feel so bad for. I can barely work quickly enough to work up much of a sweat, because even at this ridiculously low weight just doing the exercise is kicking my ass.

One thing I did think of, it's kind of strange: Working out properly, and really focusing on your exercise instead of daydreaming or reading or chatting with your buddy? I mean, if you just focus on what you feel as you use your muscles in this very deliberate way -- in a sense, there's more self-intimacy involved in the gym than in your self-pleasuring at home. Or where ever you do it.

Something my body whispered to me while I was working out? "You're not injured." "Hey, your ankle just hurts. It's not broken." "You know, your wrist really won't snap if you put stress on it like that."

Woo doggy. So fine, it all actually really hurt, and it was kinda depressing to realize that, though I still look apparently fit enough to people seeing me in my normally loose-fitting attire, I've not only gotten fatter than I've ever been in the last year, but also grown physically weaker than I've been since ... I dunno. I think most healthy, physically active women might actually be stronger than me right about now. I mean, in a whole-body, able to work quickly and continually and with at least marginal flexibility kind of a way. I could still lift something real heavy in a certain way for a short period of time, or something similar, if I had to...

You know, it occurs to me that, mostly, I'd rather not have to suddenly need to live something real heavy at all. In fact, I also would rather not be put into something sort of general strenght/fitness test with a physically fit adult woman. I'm just trying to work in analogies. The point is, I started working out when I was 13 originally -- and I was stronger than this even then.

But, I look like a big muscual guy. Looks funny when I'm working out, no doubt.

Oh yeah -- a plus is that I do actually feel more energetic, more flexible, and more confident of my previously broken joints after having returned to the gym. In fact, as much as it hurts to work out my lower left leg in the gym, it becomes rather obvious to me that I'm performing now physical therapy that was neglected immediately following the initial healing of the bone.

And, it's also more clear to me what part of my abdomen is lapsed muscle, and what part is budding buddha belly. Sad that they've melded together so well, but hey, at least being aware is a start, right?

Gettin' better all the time, kids.