The truth? The truth is that right now I'm fantastically irritated at myself, for being wired the way that I am. This is to say ... and yeah, here comes the depressing part ... that when I consider all the random and not so random tragedies and hardships that befall me, the truth is these days I honestly just hope to be done with it all.

Life is a beautiful and wonderful thing, and it is true that you never really know what's going to happen next. It is far easier to dwell on your problems than to recognize the beauty around you, and in yourself, despite them. The only one thing in life that we truly need is hope ... once you have that, you can honestly be amazed at the way miracles can happen.

Unfortunately for me, I'm running pretty low on hope these days. It seems to me that no matter how I try to keep my head up, no matter how I try to fight back the dark in my head and in the world ... it's just like I'm trying to stop waves from coming on to a beach. The waves are just going to keep coming, and really all I'm doing is getting drowned...

So what I'm saying is, I honestly kind of wish I was equipped with whatever mental software it is that allows people to "take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them." I think I've been fighting long enough, with little enough to show for it. And oh, make no mistake -- I'm fully aware that *tons* of people have it *a lot* worse than I do. I can only admire them for keeping up with the struggle. Which I guess means I should admire myself, because I'm going to keep it up, too. It's not like I really have any other choice.

But the truth -- my heart simply is not in it, anymore. I realized this when considering why I don't stop smoking. It's not that I enjoy it that much or that I'm that addicted ... it's that if I consider the biggest reason to quit being "these could kill you" ... my honest feeling about that is, "Good".