Haven't gone to either of my classes in several weeks now, largely because I was way behind in the work that was due. Of course, I'm only further behind now and have missed a couple of classes to boot. I really think this semester is where I bite the big one, kids. Such a shame too, I could be done with the whole mess in less than a year if I'd kept my focus ... of course, I guess that's part of the problem. It's been hard to focus on planning to go to grad school and all while still trying to muddle through these classes and deal with all the other craziness in my life...

Yep, focus is definitely what I've lacked. To be honest, I've mostly hung out at home and played computer games. Which of course was helped by my suddenly deciding after several months that there was no reason I shouldn't smoke up. Hm, turns out there's a very good reason -- like, not leaving your house except to go to work, because suddenly your ability to worry about other things kind of disappeared...

Yes, it's all very sad. Perhaps saddest is that I really don't think CG and I are going to work out. I like to think that if two people want something bad enough, they can work to make it real. Unfortunately, it would seem at least one of us isn't willing to or doesn't understand the work they need to do. I'm not sure which one it is. What I do know is, it seems to me she seems to constantly get angry at the drop of a hat and find no end of flaws in every aspect of my behavior. And reference the above, kids -- not like I need anyone looking for extra flaws or anything. Got plenty of my own already, thanks bunches.

Ach. I need to talk to my professors, but of course I've needed to do that for weeks if not months now. What I need more is to actually do the work, as it would help if I had something to offer them as reason not to just go ahead and fail me -- yeah, I don't think there's any weasaling out of this one.

Know what the real problem is, I think? I mean beyond focus, which is real. But see, I'm aware of the focus problem. What's bigger is that I can't ask for help -- at least, not before the whole house is already on fire. CG actually made a very valid point about that last night. Actually asking for something I need or want, even when the person would be completely happy to help -- yeah, pretty much not natural to me, especially if it's something I actually need. If it's pointless or trivial, that I can do. If I'm obviously spurting blood from a gaping wound, then I can probably politely request some assistance.

But if it's something I really need, that has not become a full on emergency situation just yet? Eh, let it simmer, my mind tends to think.

Actually, closer to the truth is that I always think, "I can handle this." Even when it's perfectly obvious I can't, even when I have no idea how to start, even when it would obviously be made so much simpler if I would only ask. I really don't know how I got to be this way. I'll do it myself, or I'll just go ahead and fail.

Maybe it comes from feeling like when it really comes down to it, you can't rely on anybody? I mean, in the end you are on your own, right?

Yeah, that might just be a solid part of the problem. Unable to trust in anybody, therefore unable to ask for assitance for anybody, therefore unable to achieve much of anything since none of us can live as an island...

Man, I am one depressing fuck, aren't I? When you really come to think of it, I'd wager you're probably pretty happy to have been spared my rambling for so long...

What's your excuse, eh? I noticed that pretty much none of the people I read have been posting in a while, either. What gives? Everyone out enjoying the beautiful weather while it lasts? Or too busy playing computer games to use the machine for writing?