If you're not a game geek, obviously you could give a rats ass about what I just said. But for those who are not geeks, trust me: If you were such a person and didn't know about this movie, I would have just made your day. Granted, I haven't seen it yet myself and it could be horrible ... but, I played that game like 8 years ago, and I still had to order the movie the second I found out it existed. FFVII was one of the genre-defining games...

So, um. It's been long enough since I last posted that I checked what my last post was just to remind myself. Lessee. Posted then about my phone being shut off. Now? My car's been reposessed.

I'm wondering, d'ya think I can pass this year off as my midlife crisis? I mean, I always thought that was more a 40ish sort of thing, but I'm definitely screwing up money-wise enough right now that I need some kind of over-arching excuse.

What's really funny about it though is that emotionally, I'm actually doing really good. I mean, even with all the financial turmoil, somehow I feel pretty good. I think it's because I seem to be doing well with the crazy folks I care for -- family members have commented directly about me, one recently calling up the Big Boss who hired me to sing my praises (Woot, right? Usually I'd expect anonymous comments to be negative.) and overall just MY being aware of how the stuff taht I'm seeing as small and not enough is actually apparently a great improvement over the way things were according to other staff. Not that they are crediting me directly, but as I actually am the force of change, I'll take it anyway.

While I'm on that subject, let me say that I'm kind of irritated in general. I mean, I'll admit that my longterm goals are to work with what are considered the "normal population" exactly because I want people who honestly can live happy, healthy lives one day. And the guys I'm working with now don't fall into that group. Fifty years ago these guys would have been left to rot in a state hospital, if they weren't just starving on the streets, or worse.

Even so, what irritates me is how often, when talking to other professionals in the field (thass right -- I said "other professionals") I keep hearing comments about what's "realistic" for these guys. That is, the prevailing attitude seems to be one that just says we must absolutely accept how limited these men are if we are to help them.

And don't get me wrong -- I am aware that having illusions about their illness can only be detrimental to them. Honestly, the very mom who called my boss to compliment me is one such person -- I'm sure she won't like me so much forever, because the truth is that I think she's probably the biggest obstacle to his being more functional right now, exactly because she's not realistic. But as far as I'm concerned, being realistic about mental illness still should not mean that we assume that anything even approaching a normal life is simply outside of their abilities.

No, I would not want to see them frustrated by failures, but on the other hand I also believe that striving for something is the only reason any of us really has to go on. Just saying, "At least right now isn't horrible, but I know things can never get better" is just a recipe for depression and hopelessness, isn't it? I mean, aren't they just like anyone else? That is, we don't really know what they might be capable of what their lives might possibly be like, until they've tried?

I also seem to be doing really well at the volunteer line I'm hoping to use for my internship. Well, except for missing that one day because my car was suddenly gone. And if I miss one more day I'm out. But that should not happen.

So yeah -- I guess I'm feeling good because it seems that I was at least somewhere near the target when I decided that mental health was a good field for me to throw my career hat into. You know, I can reconcile all my other failings with the knowledge that I'm at least made to be a good therapist.

As far as the money stuff? Well, my family, God love them, are bailing me out on the car thing -- so long as they loan people aren't lying, I should have it back by midweek. I mean, it'll still be a hassle getting it back, but I should get it. Which is good, because without it I would lose both the new job with the crazy folks and the volunteer/internship gig. Not to mention I don't know how I'd ever get over to my campus again, whenever I do need to get there.

Also, after bitching me out for letting things get so out of hand, my family also said to keep them updated on if I need help with any other essentials, and they will help me out as best they can. I feel kind of like a cretin about it, but really I have to acknowledge that's just the kind of family I come from, and as far as they are concerned I shouldn't feel bad for my present status as a screwup because I am striving for something better and in the bigger scheme of things I really always have.

So it is still a really strange time for me, but I suppose that things are getting better. As I was telling GBF a week or two ago, I actually rather feel like I'm finally "waking up" right now. That is, I went absolutely batshit for a while there. In fact, I was remembering something recently that I'd conveniently forgotten about back when I broke my hand -- basically something that I probably was really upset about when I punched that wall, even if I couldn't admit it to myself at that time.

And I really am over that at this point. What's funny is that somehow, I feel like I owe Crazy Girl for that one. Ours was truly a pretty shitty and fucked up relationship, but in retrospect I think I was doing some kind of penance or something with her.

Penance is really the wrong word, because in fact the upset that I refer to was more over feeling that someone had done me wrong -- had done me wrong for years and years in fact, and I had not only been okay with it, but thankful for it, right up until the final screwing-over that broke the camel's back. So I don't know why being with CG should make up for that. Maybe it's just the clear conviction I have (and had at the time) that I did everything with her that I could, and it didn't work because she was too screwed up.

In other words -- I'm feeling better because I'm finally starting to feel sure that it isn't ME ... as the great movie said, I'm not the thing that's screwed up, I'm the un-screwed-up reaction to a screwed-up situation.

Hey, a free Hershey's Kiss to anyone who knows what movie I'm talking about.

Anyhow, what's up with Passing Strange? I still play my online game whenever I can. I'm still trying to maintain relationships with many of those same folks I was totally fed up with when I started this journal years ago. There's a girl I had a blind date (my first ever) with a few weeks ago, who I'm not interested in at all but whose friend who arranged said date honestly seems somewhere along the lines of my dream girl. My new friend from last year seems unhappy with me of late, but I think it's because I've dropped the desire/attraction I had for her from when we first started hanging -- I'm sorry that she feels that way, but the truth is that my feelings have changed because she so consistently seemed to be attracted to everything I'm not.

Now granted, I met her when I was still newly separated from CG and still hoping it could work out, so I made the most half-assed pass at her that I think I've done in my life -- so possibly, she was just waiting for me to step up my game. But as that great anthem suggests, these days I just forget about the game and spit the truth.

And y'know what? True to my build, I do have a bit more of a paunch now that I did when I was working out all the time. Despite that, I still am positively sure I'm one devilishly handsome gent. Along those lines: it's a shame you ladies can't just be as obviously shallow as most men. A hot girl doesn't have to do much more than be around to get guys. Women seem to want me to have some kind of clue.

That's another probable difference to why I'm fairly happy these days: I started this journal at the tail end of what would be my "player" phase. And in truth, that phase came more out of anger than desire -- I was irritated that guys who seemed assholes to me got all the women. So I became what I considered an asshole in order to test my theory.

And today? I don't want to be that kind of guy. I am aware that being the kind of man I am means that approximately .01 % of women will find my personality sexy. And no, I'm not exactly happy about that. But, I've returned to the perspective that allowed me to be who I was for all the years leading up to my player days -- there's like, what, 125 million women in my country alone? I don't need even 5% to dig who I am -- just one will do.